Friday, April 15, 2005

Deep Cover II

This is the second part of coverage of my deep-cover mission, into a typical Republican stronghold.
Yes, the CUG has infiltrated the Republican party. I went into the belly-of-the-beast for mankind, and the UAW.


We pick up the report during Karl Rove’s televised (maybe…) speech…

The Rove speech was pretty standard for Republican fascist warmongers:

"Blah, blah, blah, personal responsibility...

Yak, yak, yak, limited government...

Yada, yada, yada, abortion is murder, human life is sacred and means something...

Wonk, wonk, wonk (apologies to C. Schultz), freedom, liberty, justice...

Blah, blah, blah, guns, guns, guns, tax cuts, tax cuts, tax cuts…"

While the speech was going on, I turned to my brother, who supports his wife and 5 kids on a cop's salary by day, and is an

"Where did you guys get all this tasty food? These animals are hard to kill, uh...I hear. (Are we allowed to take doggie bags home?)."

My bro said,
“Well, the swell folks at Haliburton have found a way to make chemicals that only kill endangered species, and leave all that tasty animal flesh in tact for Republican consumption, with no ill effects to the consumer.
They use black helicopters to spray it over the areas where we track these little bitches" (points at eagle drumsticks).

"The whole plan is, once we wipe out these endangered species, the filthy-hippy tree-huggers will have to find something else to whine about. While they are distracted, we will kill them, and then roast them at future dinners.

And yes, you may take a doggie bag home; you can even take a doggie-cup home, MUHAHAHAHAHA!"

I (internally recoiling in disgust) said,
“But wouldn't cooking dirty-hippies make for a crappy tasting meal?
(to self – Damn, these smoothies are good!)"

To which he replied,
"Nah, you just got to cut out the mud-vein, and the sickeningly-self-righteous-oblivious-closed-minded-idiot-vein, then it's all good. Additionally, we have found that the tin-foil hats help keep them fresher, for longer periods of time. Kind of ironic, eh?"
I responded coolly,

Now, I am intrigued... NO, Wait!!! I mean appalled!

Then, briefly overcome by smoothies, bloodlust, and the demonic, monotonic rantings of Rove, I say in a fit of puppy-juice euphoria,

“One other question dear brother. My puppy is pretty big.
Now of course, I would never turn him into a smoothie (or a roast, mmm….roast), but how do you, hypothetically speaking, fit a such big puppy into one of those little dinky-ass blenders?

Well, I mean, short of hacking it to bits with a machete, while screaming “F****NG BILL CLINTON!!!” at the top of your lungs, in front of a group of sickly, poverty-stricken school-children from broken homes?”

My bro replies,

“Oh that’s easy. Diebold makes blenders for just such occasions. I believe the new one is the Puppy Pureemaster-Pro 3000. It also does kittens, as well as baby ducks.”

[I’m thinking to myself, “Sweeeeeet! D'OH! I mean, THOSE BASTARDS!”]

“Diebold? You mean the guys that make the voting machines the moonbats are always griping about on DU?”, I say.
He replies,

“Well, yeh. How do you think Bush stole the election the SECOND time?”

(WOW! These guys really are evil!)

To see how evil they are, check out this conversation I recorded with my secret official muckadoo spy microphone.
(I got it free with my contractually supplied tin-foil hat and Republican-codeword-decoder ring):

”Hey Biff, aren't we going to feed some commie protesters to the lions?”

”Nah, Thurston, that was last year.”

”Damn, I really like seeing the ones with the No Blood for Oil signs go down, sometimes they even spell all the words right. Not even a homeless person, or a hobo? What about Michael Moore. AAAAAACK!! OW! OW! It burns!”

“You know you can’t say his name or see him without experiencing pain. Relax, were making up for it by killing 735 BILLION Iraqis, while stealing their oil.

“Oh, ok. Stupid Iraqis.”

Fox News, the network of EVIL, was on hand to cover-up all the evil-doings, and to make a 60 second Republibite to make Republicans look like caring-not-evil-human-like (humanesque?) people:

Brit Hume:

…I’m Brit Hume, and that is why liberal Democrats suck.

Next, we have an on-the-scene live report from our correspondent in Archbold, Oh, Laurie Dhue. Laurie?

Laurie Dhue:

"Thanks Brit. Good evening, this is Laurie Dhue, and I am smoking hot."
(Eds note: That is not news. Sorry honey. Sorry Jesus. Stoopid eyes!!)

"The Republicans gathered today for an annual dinner - the Lincoln-Hayes Banquet, in Archbold, Ohio. It is being hosted by Congressman Paul Gillmor, of the 5th Congressional District. The guest speaker was the Honorable Chuck Hagel, of Nebraska. Both caring, good-hearted, compassionate Republicans.

Brit, these men are, of course, both NOT-evil, and
love children, widows, orphans, puppies, and baby-ducks.
Dinner did not consist of a multitude of endangered species.
Likewise, they did not serve puppy and/or kitten smoothies, and obviously, this dinner involved no human sacrifices whatsoever.

Also, as you would surmise, we saw nothing of the reports of a filthy-hippy-beating, or commie-tasering booth. Apparently, the smell of burnt flesh was actually coming from an overcooked veggie-burger.

Yep, nothing to see here except good old-fashioned, America-loving, patriotic political discourse. You can’t get much more fair and balanced then that.

Back to you, Brit."


“Damn, she is front burner hot.
Up next, see the new report on why voting Democratic causes cancer and syphilis, while at the same time endangers the rain-forests.

When fair and balanced Fox News returns, after these messages…"

(Cue evil, but upbeat, Fox News music. Dah, dah-dah, dah...dah...dah...)


Stupid commercials.

To be continued…

Copyright CUG Headline News 2005-FOREVER!


Anonymous said...

You better be careful here....some DU'r is going to come by your site and link to it as "proof" of his (her) conspiracy theories...


Anonymous said...

BTW, that was Cynical One again above...can't seem to figure out your login mechanism. Must be a 1-D-10-T error on my part.

JebTexas said...

Laurie Dhue...Laurie Dhue, lips and eyes, man. Lips and eyes.
DOH! hell. A guy can dream, can't he?

JebTexas said...

Just bought my first Bass-o-matic! The Bass-o-matic 9000, with optional puppy/kitty shelf, endangered species blades, and turbo afterburner for those REALLY big jobs. Guarantied to use as much power as a full sized SUV! (dirty hippie tree-huggers take note) Now for your world-famous kitty smoothie recipe...

nolibbieslibbieslibbies said...

Cue evil, but upbeat, Fox News music.


nomoretreehugginhippiecrap said...

We should have invited Ann.
(Sorry CUG's honey)

The Conservative UAW Guy said...

Maybe next dinner!!!

Come on back now... ya hear?