Saturday, April 02, 2005

Interview: Real Leader of the ACLU

This is a continuation of my interview with the leader of liberalism.
Please read Interview: Real Leader of the Democratic Party first.


Read First Part of Interview Here:

Part I: Real Leader of...

Conservative UAW Guy:
Welcome back, Satan. I see you you've shape-shifted to look like Nancy Pelosi.

Satan:
No, no! This is what I really look like. I'm tired of getting bitch-slapped.

CUG:
Damn! No wonder you're pissed-off all the time.
(Slap! SLAP-SLAP!!)

Satan:
Ow. OWWWW-OWWWW! I didn't shape-shift or anything!


CUG:
Sorry. I always wanted to bitch-slap Nancy Pelosi really-really bad.
Or was it Skeletor on He-Man. I always get those two confused.
But you need to change forms, anyway. That look is just too scary for me.

Satan:
Sorry. How's this.

(shape-shifts to standard stereotypical demonic form - REALLY, REALLY, REALLY SCARY!!!!! Eeeek!).

CUG:
That's better. And your more attractive now, too.


Satan:
Thanks.

CUG:
So back to my question, what do you need for the complete evilification of the planet?


Satan:
Wow, why don't you just ask me to name all the falsehoods put out by the mainstream media in the last two years.

CUG:
Would you, please.


Satan:
Dude, you ain't got that much time; you're mortal.


CUG:
Rats!! Good thing I'm saved. Oops! Sorry, Oh Master of the Asshats, didn't mean to bring up the Big Guy.


Satan:
Hey, evil has rights, ya know. I'm offended. How would you like me to sick some trial lawyers on you for that insensitive comment, you racist, right-wing conspiritor?

CUG:
Couldn't you just set me on fire and have rabid weasels rip my eyes out while angry beavers castrate me?
Lawyers creep me out, bad.


Satan:
Your not getting off that easy, Saved-Boy.


CUG:
OK, OK... chill. God, you're so sensitive. OOOOPPS! My bad.

Satan:
Very funny.

CUG:
OK, OK, let's get back on topic; evilification. What's the plan.


Satan:
Well, remember the closing line in the movie, The Usual Suspects? Keyser Soze, the bad guy (good guy?) says something like

"The greatest trick the devil ever played was to convince the world he doesn't exist."

Dude, that was so right on.

That is one of the key elements of my plan.

Ironically, I helped write that line.

I've even got some Christians on board with that one, you union sap.

CUG:
Not this union brother.
Now don't make me call upon Jesus to kick your ass.
And if you make another union comment, I'll have some Teamsters do a warm-up ass-kicking on you before JC gets a hold of your sorry butt.


Satan:
Ok! Ok! Chill out... Man you Christians are persnikity.

Look, using in-your-face, all-out evil is just not effective in swaying the masses.
We have to go bit-by-bit to convince people that there is no good or evil, no God or devil.
You know, moral relativism.
No black or white, only gray.
Use incrementalism.
The Democratic Underground.
Whatever it takes.
It's actually Devilishly simple, if you'll forgive the pun.

CUG: But if people think that global warming is real or that there is no good or bad, right or wrong, God or devil, regular or low-fat, full-auto and semi-auto, then it will be way too unbelievably easy to get them to choose evil!!! Is that your plan, you father of lies?

Devil:
Chuhhh!
Where have you been?

(Under his breath) Dumbass.



To be continued...

6 comments:

Anonymous said...

Looking forward to part 3?
Chuhhh!

Keep blogging it.

JumpinJimmy said...

A warm-up ass-kicking by Teamsters. Funny.

However, I noticed you left the UAW out.

Why, are they sissies?

The Conservative UAW Guy said...

jumpinjimmy,

UAW members are NOT sissies.

If you say that again I will kick your ass with a combination of Kempo, Tai-Chi, ching-ching pow, and good old American USA whoop-ass (I'm kind of a hill-billy).

Furthermore, we all know that Teamsters are mafia thugs, and UAW members are beyond reproach.

Now go!
And bother me no more.
Or incur my wrath!!!!!
Muhahahahahaha!!!

doubletrouble said...

Hey- good stuff CUG! This rather sounds like you-know-who's IMW; that's a compliment, BTW.
Keep it up!

wyatt earp said...

Regarding bitch-slapping: You went from the "Double-Daschle" to the "Triple-Pelosi"?

I am in awe.

You stole these from figure-skating move names, didn't you?

Anonymous said...

Sweet !! Very nice to see the unholy one brought out in such clear light with a few well deserved bitch slaps... Pour it on CUG !!! Loving every min of it .
Ann rocks !!!
sorry just thought i would throw that in...
S-tay