Monday, November 21, 2005

This Guy is Good!

The following is blatantly stolen from Steve the Pirate, where I contribute occasionally.
It made me snort coffee out of my nose, so I thought I would share it with you.
Plus, it's about me.
Steve is a great conservative and a great writer. He is also wise beyond his admittedly tender years.
Go check him out here: Steve the Pirate

Without further fanfare...

The Untold Story of...

Most of you know that I have taken an unannounced leave of absence; I hate to sound like a loser, but I just haven’t had time to update STP like I should be doing.

I was even considering handing off STP to Jimmy and Zweibel while I took an announced leave of absence. That, however, just cannot be done. Not when I have received this from Steve the Pirate’s Super Secret Intelligence Agency That Shant Be Named© (Motto: If we told you, we’d have to kill you several times before you hit the ground.).

It seems the SSIATSBN© (2nd Motto: Those Filthy Lies Don’t Write Themselves) has done a little research on my friend and co-blogger JimmyB. Sure, it’s not as bad as the Puppy Blender. but it’s still a bit terrifying.

Read on…if you dare.


-JimmyB wasn’t born; he was willed into existence by union executives and cheap beer brewers. They hoped he would be a puppet to vote Democrat and buy cheap lager…well, only one of those plans worked.

-Jimmy’s physical composition is comprised of three elements: pure evil, cheap beer, and a burning hate of hippies. Oh, and more cheap beer.

-Jimmy is a gun nut. Which is exactly why should he ever have a daughter, she won’t date until she’s in her late thirties.

-In case you didn’t know, Jimmy hates hippies. This is because a hippie tried to take his steak as a child., claiming “Meat is murder.” Jimmy ate the hippie instead.

-After all, once you taste the flesh of a hippie, you hunger for more.

-After properly bathing and seasoning it, of course.

-Some question these assumptions due to the number of blogs Jimmy contributes to (last count, 37,456.14). They claim he must be a supercomputer designed by Karl Rove to drive hippies to suicide.

-I doubt it. There’s too much evil present for Jimmy to be a machine. Don’t feed me that “I, Robot” crap either.

-Word has it that JimmyB has an oversized blender that he uses to blend hippies and turn them into energy drinks. Well, after he takes the good parts and grinds it up into hamburger meat.

-Sure, it’s not as bad as puppies, but still.

-Word has it that this large blender is stored within Jimmy’s monster pickup, bane of hippies and environmentalists everywhere.

-It’s common knowledge that Bush had to invade Iraq, steal its oil, and sell it to Jimmy via Halliburton just so he could keep this behemoth of a vehicle on the road.

-Jimmy is married, and his wife must be a saint. Bleaching all those hippie blood-stained shirts must take a lot out of the poor woman.

-His recliner at home? You guessed it. Hippie flesh and bone.

-You just don’t get it. This guy REALLY hates hippies.

-And terrorists too. Then again, there’s not much difference. I’ve heard terrorists smell a little better though.

-His goal in life? Take over the world, purge the hippies, and build a device that will scramble Ron Popeil in an egg.

EDIT: JimmyB killed Dr. Phat Tony’s paw.

All joking aside, Jimmy is a great guy and we’re glad to have him around here. Thanks for all you do, and thanks for being such a good sport!

I would counter with: Thank you, Steve!!!
And I apologize about Dr. Phat Tony's Paw.

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