Oops! I mean BOO-HOO-HOO!
The evil Floridian Republicans and the doubly evil Jeb Bush have passed a law that lets people defend themselves.
THOSE SICK BASTARDS!
The CUG Headline News team was on the scene (of course) to capture all the action!
Here's the scoop:
On April, 27th, Florida Gov. Jeb Bush signed a bill giving residents the right to shoot in self-defense anywhere they feel threatened by would-be assailants.
(Eds note: YEE-HAW!)
The French, immediately upon hearing this, surrendered over the phone to Jeb Bush. Jacques Chirac said, “The French are only practicing our perfected art of pre-emptive surrender. This will insure our continued existence. And hopefully, that Conservative UAW guy won’t come over and bitch-slap us.”
Ima Sissy, spokesperson for Floridians Against Guns, or FAG, was quoted as saying,
“What the hell are these people thinking? Defend yourself? Stand your ground? What ever happened to - Take whatever you want and/or rape and/or kill me and my family? - and - Maybe if we’re really nice to them, they'll leave us alone? - These tactics are the cornerstones of liberal defense strategies. Aren’t your keys or a rat-tailed comb defense enough? By the goddess, you might injure a felon! Have we learned nothing from the John Kerry and the French?!?!?!?! Acquiesce. Submit. Appease. That’ll show those bad guys! STOOOOPID 2nd Amendment!"
Liberal Democrats expressed concern that the peoples’ ability to kill violent felons would cut into their voting base. With less crime, the liberals can’t scare people into voting for them. Also, dead felons can’t vote for Democrats like they do when they’re alive (or can they…?).
“Being dead increases the chances of one being disenfranchised. Last election, only 72% of dead Democrats voted. We will not rest until this number is 100%” supreme asshat Howard Dean was quoted as screaming.
For some reason, liberals do not want to transition the “victims” of society into “dead victims” of society, thereby making them more polite, and more useful, to said society.
In a move of supreme coolness, the Florida House of Representatives, citing the need to allow people to "stand their ground," voted 94-20 to codify and expand court rulings that already allow people to use deadly force to protect themselves in their homes without first trying to escape. Additionally, the "Stand Your Ground" bill passed the Senate on a 39-0 vote.
Nearby FAG's were overheard saying things like, “What the f###?” and "How dare they represent their constituents!"
"I think the message to criminals is going to be, you break into a home, you run the risk of being shot. You attack people on the street; you run the risk of being shot,"
(RIGHT ON, MARION!!)
Asked for comment, Florida FAG's could not come up with a cooler statement than the NRA chick. This further solidified the fact that they truly are complete FAG's.
Noted pundit, the Conservative UAW Guy said,
“NRA chicks RULE!”
and also said,
“There are laws about wasting asshats who come into your house uninvited?
There are laws about terminating threats, whether real or perceived?
Yeah, right. Next thing you’ll telling me is I can’t shoot terrorists, dirty-hippies, Ted Rall, and people whose opinions I don’t agree with. Ha-ha. Whoever came up with those rules must be a total FAG”
Rep. Dan Gelber,
"Two people in an altercation, that happens every day. Someone thinks you're looking at their wife the wrong way, somebody spills coffee on you, someone bumps into you, someone cuts you off, then all of a sudden they're in a fight, said Gelber. "Do we tell those people that they're supposed to walk away or do we tell them that you're supposed to stand your ground and fight to the death?" (Answer: Hell, yes ya big sissy!)
Of course, Gelber is a complete FAG, as well. This is the same argument these FAG’s have been using for years. Remember when
Asked for additional enlightenment, the on scene pundit CUG was heard to say,
"Yeah, Gebler is a dim-witted mook. They say this garbage all the time. Said the same thing about
last year. Blah-blah-blah, Wild West, blood flowing in the streets, yak-yak-yak, law abiding citizens are ignorant psychopaths ready to snap at the most insignificant slight. Yada-yada-yada… Your paranoid, no one wants to kill you, unless they have a gun that magically makes them EVIL!" Ohio
"Look, what’s wrong with the Wild West, anyway? Cowboys are cool, and horses don’t burn oil. Sounds like tree-hugger paradise. Unless these pansy-assed liberals are going to buy me a Stetson, a horse, and two nickel-plated .357 Magnums, and then call me out into the street, they need to shut their whiny pie-holes."
Florida has a track record as a gun-law trendsetter. In the mid-1980s, the NRA chose Florida to launch a push for "conceal carry" or "right-to-carry" laws, which allow states to issue permits for residents to carry firearms. Democrat Bob Graham, who was then governor, vetoed the measure, but it was resurrected after he left office and was signed in 1987 by Gov. Bob Martinez, a Republican.
By the way, here is the letter I am writing to
Thanks for totally kicking-ass!
CUG Headline News 2005-2006 = -1