Friday, April 29, 2005

Whole State of Florida Killed Today!!!

HOORAY!!!

Oops! I mean BOO-HOO-HOO!
The evil Floridian Republicans and the doubly evil Jeb Bush have passed a law that lets people defend themselves.

THOSE SICK BASTARDS!

The CUG Headline News team was on the scene (of course) to capture all the action!

Here's the scoop:

On April, 27th, Florida Gov. Jeb Bush signed a bill giving residents the right to shoot in self-defense anywhere they feel threatened by would-be assailants.

(Eds note: YEE-HAW!)

The French, immediately upon hearing this, surrendered over the phone to Jeb Bush. Jacques Chirac said, “The French are only practicing our perfected art of pre-emptive surrender. This will insure our continued existence. And hopefully, that Conservative UAW guy won’t come over and bitch-slap us.”

The Florida measure, dubbed the Castle Doctrine, states that any person "has the right to stand his or her ground and meet force with force, including deadly force if he or she reasonably believes it is necessary to do so to prevent death or great bodily harm."

Ima Sissy, spokesperson for Floridians Against Guns, or FAG, was quoted as saying,

“What the hell are these people thinking? Defend yourself? Stand your ground? What ever happened to - Take whatever you want and/or rape and/or kill me and my family? - and - Maybe if we’re really nice to them, they'll leave us alone? - These tactics are the cornerstones of liberal defense strategies. Aren’t your keys or a rat-tailed comb defense enough? By the goddess, you might injure a felon! Have we learned nothing from the John Kerry and the French?!?!?!?! Acquiesce. Submit. Appease. That’ll show those bad guys! STOOOOPID 2nd Amendment!"

Liberal Democrats expressed concern that the peoples’ ability to kill violent felons would cut into their voting base. With less crime, the liberals can’t scare people into voting for them. Also, dead felons can’t vote for Democrats like they do when they’re alive (or can they…?).

“Being dead increases the chances of one being disenfranchised. Last election, only 72% of dead Democrats voted. We will not rest until this number is 100%” supreme asshat Howard Dean was quoted as screaming.

For some reason, liberals do not want to transition the “victims” of society into “dead victims” of society, thereby making them more polite, and more useful, to said society.

In a move of supreme coolness, the Florida House of Representatives, citing the need to allow people to "stand their ground," voted 94-20 to codify and expand court rulings that already allow people to use deadly force to protect themselves in their homes without first trying to escape. Additionally, the "Stand Your Ground" bill passed the Senate on a 39-0 vote.

Nearby FAG's were overheard saying things like, “What the f###?” and "How dare they represent their constituents!"

Marion Hammer, a former president of the NRA and a chick (albeit with a badass name), said,

"I think the message to criminals is going to be, you break into a home, you run the risk of being shot. You attack people on the street; you run the risk of being shot,"

(RIGHT ON, MARION!!)

Asked for comment, Florida FAG's could not come up with a cooler statement than the NRA chick. This further solidified the fact that they truly are complete FAG's.

Noted pundit, the Conservative UAW Guy said,

“NRA chicks RULE!”

and also said,

“There are laws about wasting asshats who come into your house uninvited?

There are laws about terminating threats, whether real or perceived?

Yeah, right. Next thing you’ll telling me is I can’t shoot terrorists, dirty-hippies, Ted Rall, and people whose opinions I don’t agree with. Ha-ha. Whoever came up with those rules must be a total FAG”

Rep. Dan Gelber, D-Miami Beach, one of 20 FAG’s who voted against the bill, said he feels like a scared little girl who just saw an icky bug, and proffered this doomsday scenario:

"Two people in an altercation, that happens every day. Someone thinks you're looking at their wife the wrong way, somebody spills coffee on you, someone bumps into you, someone cuts you off, then all of a sudden they're in a fight, said Gelber. "Do we tell those people that they're supposed to walk away or do we tell them that you're supposed to stand your ground and fight to the death?" (Answer: Hell, yes ya big sissy!)

Of course, Gelber is a complete FAG, as well. This is the same argument these FAG’s have been using for years. Remember when Florida had all the tourists getting carjacked and killed? Then they passed concealed carry for anyone that wanted it? Even non-residents? Even Canadians? Huh, no more tourist killings. I wonder why? No shoot-outs in the streets, either. Dumbasses.

Asked for additional enlightenment, the on scene pundit CUG was heard to say,

"Yeah, Gebler is a dim-witted mook. They say this garbage all the time. Said the same thing about Ohio last year. Blah-blah-blah, Wild West, blood flowing in the streets, yak-yak-yak, law abiding citizens are ignorant psychopaths ready to snap at the most insignificant slight. Yada-yada-yada… Your paranoid, no one wants to kill you, unless they have a gun that magically makes them EVIL!"

"Look, what’s wrong with the Wild West, anyway? Cowboys are cool, and horses don’t burn oil. Sounds like tree-hugger paradise. Unless these pansy-assed liberals are going to buy me a Stetson, a horse, and two nickel-plated .357 Magnums, and then call me out into the street, they need to shut their whiny pie-holes."

Florida is, and has been, a leader for advancing the freedom of the common person (or unwashed, ignorant subjects, as liberals like to call them). From the Washington Post:

Florida has a track record as a gun-law trendsetter. In the mid-1980s, the NRA chose Florida to launch a push for "conceal carry" or "right-to-carry" laws, which allow states to issue permits for residents to carry firearms. Democrat Bob Graham, who was then governor, vetoed the measure, but it was resurrected after he left office and was signed in 1987 by Gov. Bob Martinez, a Republican.

At the time, fewer than a dozen states had right-to-carry laws. Now there are 38.

By the way, here is the letter I am writing to Florida

Dear Florida,

Thanks for totally kicking-ass!

Love,

The CUG


CUG Headline News 2005-2006 = -1

UPDATE: SEE PART 2 OF THIS ARTICLE HERE

Thursday, April 28, 2005

Lunch Musings: Depends On Your Definition of Challenged...

Rosie O'Donnell stars in a new movie, Riding the Bus with My Sister. In it she plays a developmentally challenged person.

The producers thought this would not be much of a stretch for the actress, as she is already severely socially, politically, and commen-sensically retarded.

"We knew Rosie could pull it off after we saw her comment regarding the 2nd amendment:
" know it's an amendment. I know it's in the Constitution. But you know what? Enough!"
said one industry insider.

"We knew right then she was one of the most challenged people we had ever met."

Tuesday, April 26, 2005

Hot Dang! More English Lessons

There has been some discussion in the comments, and elsewhere, about what a dirty hippy is. In the interests of edifying my 2's of 3's of readers, I have supplied some clarification on this issue.

Disclaimer: OK, geez. Don’t be offended if you have long hair. For one thing, the old CUGster here had a pony-tail half-way down his back for years, so there! The other thing is: this is humor, you long-haired freak, so get over it! Don't be a sissy! Remember, HUMOR! Moving on…

The definitions of dirty hippies are fluid, ever-changing definitions.
Consider these definitions as living, breathing, smelly definitions, kind of like how liberals view the US constitution.
These definitions are based on cultures and sub-cultures that pertain to ours (the US) and other (them other foreign guys) countries. These definitions, as you shall see, are not necessarily physical descriptions, although they can be. Being a dirty hippy can be, and quite often is, more a state of mind than a physical condition.
The state-of-minder ones generally don’t smell…uh, as bad.

The CUG, being kind-hearted, all-caring, and darn sure committed to YOU – THE READER – has amassed some definitions from our friends at Urban Dictionary.com.
There are actually 27 definitions, so in the interest of fairness, I only picked the ones that I liked best, and the ones that only make my point, and my point alone. (I didn’t say who it was fair to!)

CAUTION: Some of these definitions have language that is generally not used on the CUG website, and is more often heard coming out of the mouths of dirty hippies talking about Republicans, conservatives, or the police when they are confiscating their weed. Of course, being the tactful guy that I am, I have used characters in place of some letters to protect the easily offended, and the children. You want to protect the children, don't you?



23. hippy
People who say they're trying to make a difference in the world,
but all they ever do is smoke weed.

ex: frigging hippies stealing my flowers



14. Hippy
Person who usually smells very funny.

ex: Hey! Hide the money under the soap! The Hippy will never find it!




12. hippy
Someone who rejects war and military actions, simply because the
Conservatives who support those actions also try to limit the ways in which the
pathetic jerks can alter their consciousness.

ex: Every time a person eats a steak, a Hippy loses his high.




8. hippy
upper middle-class white kids who spend their parents' money on
weed and spend their time cursing god because they were born into a life that
billions struggle to attain.

ex: Your opinions on world issues are meaningless, hippy.


7. hippy
Hippies are peace loving, d*** s*****g, a******s. They think that
no matter what, the environment should be saved at the expense of normal people.
Normal places of sightings include: vegetarian cafes, Ralph
Nader
rallies, protests, San Francisco, Portland, Oregon, Greenwich Village,
New York, France, Europe, Canada, poetry readings, pot circles, sh**ty music
festivals, gay bars, tied to trees, flag burning parties, Reed College,
UC-Berkley, any college, and jail.

ex: Hippies Suck A## Dude


Interesting, eh? In addition to the pre-fab definitions, here is some anecdotal information as well: When I saw GW (yee-haw!) at Toledo, OH there were definitely some dirty hippies protesting.
You could tell they were dirty hippies because:

A. They were dirty enough you could tell they were dirty from a half-mile down the road.

B. They looked like stereotypical hippies, with long hair and dirty clothes
and tie-dyes.

C. They looked un-employed by choice.

D. Or maybe they were unemployed
because only a moron would hire someone that was dirty and/or smelled. Of course
in the US, that would probably get the ACLU on your behind for discriminating
against dirty hippies and the French.

E. They had signs with stupid
slogans on them, as well as misspelled words (stupid college students!).

F. You could see odiferous molecules in the air, even from across the
street.

Note to Democrats – If you want to change peoples’ minds, please send
people to protest that look like they’ve had a job in the last 10 years.
Also, please have them bathe. This really impresses Republicans, as they
will vote for a Marxist in a heartbeat if he is clean and wears a nice suit!



Here are some bonus examples of dirty hippies, commies, pinkos, moonbats, tin-foil hatters, and other rat-b###ards deserving of ridicule and scorn (sorry Jesus!).

Michael Moore -ACCCK BLARRGGGG (CLUNK!): No more need be said.

Hillary Clinton - Leftist Satanist/Stalinist feminazi who between her and her husband Billalzabub actually sold nuclear missle and guidance system technological secrets to the sinister Red Chinese. Hooray! Helping your enemies (that want you dead or enslaved) to be on an even keel with you is a good thing. Murderous, malevolent, communist dictatorships should be super-powers, too!! Because we're all equal...

Jane Fonda - Still a traitor, and a commie.

Ted Kennedy - Actually counts as 3 dirty hippies, plus 1 killer!

Chuck Schumer - Two-faced smarmy, anti-gun senator from NY. You don't need a gun in New York, because their crime rate is so low! Check out his Branch Davidian testimony sometime! A real prince. Plus, his voice produces a sensation not unlike biting on tinfoil. (Note there are both of the NY senators on this list - stupid blue staters!)

Ted Rall - ACCCCKKKKKK! BLARRRGGGG! KABOOM! (Head explodes).
God I hate Ted Rall!!! (Sorry Jesus!)
Wait, I mean, as a Christian, I love and forgive Ted Rall for being an evil, racist, commie, dirty-hippy, puppy-blending, baby-duck stomping, Marxist asshat. (AAAAAAHHHHHGGGGG!)
I lied! Man-oh-man, DAMN IT, do I hate Ted Rall. I'll bet he even smokes.
Why, if I wasn't a civilized person, I would beat the living hell out of Michael Moore with Ted Rall's limp and seemingly lifeless body until they both went into persistent vegetative states! Let's see the Dems pull the tube on their patron saint MUHAHAHAHA!
I will start to pray for Ted Rall, as soon as I can pray for something other than him having a house fall on him, or him expiring from a slow-acting, painful, fatal venereal disease contracted from goats or penguins.
(I’m TRYING to be good!! It’s just really hard to do!!!)
(Sorry x10 Jesus).
Stupid Ted Rall!

Here are some other dirty commies:
All the asshats that said they would leave the country if GW Bush won the election.
(We’re WAITING!!!! – impatiently tapping foot, looking at watch, hands on hips ala John Bolton.)

Also, GEORGE SOROS, Molly Ivans, Marilou Johanek (ack!!!), Ward Churchill (chuuhhh...), nearly any editor of almost any newspaper, especially The New York Times, USA Today, Toledo Blade, LA Times, etc. Nearly anyone in TV news. There are a few conservatives that show up in these places, but they are by far the minority.
Except for on FOX NEWS, BABY!!!! WOO-HOO!!! FOX ROCKS!!!!! FAIR AND BALANCED!

I would mention Air America, but then I would get all kinds of emails and comments from people saying things like “What?”, or “Who?”, or “Does it have Rush Limbaugh on it?”. So I will forgo that.

(Of course, I could list 98.473% of Hollywood, but that would just take too much time.)

So, I hope all this alearnin’ helps you in your endeavors in life, and likewise, I hope it has enlightened you some.

Word.

CUG

The opinions expressed here are that of the author, who could give a rat’s butt what dirty hippies and commies think. Copyright CUG 2005-whatever.

Monday, April 25, 2005

The Panzer Pope

Hooray! The new pope has been selected and installed! So while Benedict still has that new-Pope smell, I thought a few comments were in order. See the story here:

Benedict XVI Formally Installed as Pope

Installed? What is he, XVI Satellite radio?

For other Pope commentary, flash-back to my:

Top 10 Reasons the Pope Kicked-A... uh, was great!


Of course, the MSM is complaining that Benedict XVI is too conservative. Boo-hoo-hoo! He's too conservative, he's a guy, he doesn't believe in choice, he's not a homosexual, he won't let chicks be priests, he's not Al Franken...

To which I said: Wha-Fu?

I guess I have a couple points here:

1. Can you be too conservative? I am trying, but I can’t seem to get there. (Maybe I need more beer…)


2. He's Catholic (SURPRISE!!!) (Shock and Awe are not appropriate here).


3. HE’S THE FREAKING POPE! ARE YOU PEOPLE HIGH? What did you expect?

I know Dan Rather and Co. were rooting for Ellen Degeneres, but let's be real people!

He’s not a blue-state filthy-hippy congressman (or woman) that got a hair-cut just to fool people and promote communism and Marxism in office (– heh, until I’m president – can you say COMMIE-LIBERECTOMY - I AM CHANNELLING JOE MCCARTHY, AND HE WAS RIGHT!!!!!!!).

What did they expect, a twentysomething wanna-be hipster that tells the over 1 billion Catholics, “If it feels good, do it”? The pope is the uplink to the Big-Guy.

It’s the Catholic Church. Not the Catholic Moral Relativism Club.

Not the Catholic ACLU branch.

Not the, “My-life-would-be-oh-so-inconvenient-if-I-couldn't-off-my-baby-on-a-whim-Club”

Not the Catholic "Let's smoke dope and draw welfare checks and bitch about Republicans" Fan Club.
No Wicca, Kabballa, or Marxism.

It’s Church. With a capital “C”.

Catholics try to follow a book called THE BIBLE. The main deity in it is JESUS.

Not Gandhi, not Hillary, not Michael Moore.

JESUS. With a capital "J".

The bible is absolute. Do they want a tree-hugger pope that says, “Well, the bible is living document subject to change on a personal whim, or whatever interpretation I decide today… Those people back then were ignorant slave owners and evil joooos, this is what they really meant…

Hell, you might as well get a Clinton appointed federal judge to be pope then. (Dream on, you dirty commies!)

You want a billion drunk Catholics buying weapons instead of spending money on bingo and tithing, thinking there are no consequences for bad acts? Good lord we'll all need more guns then!

(Wait, I’ve already got weapons, but I could always use more!!!)

On the upside, the Church's engineering skills will be enhanced 100 fold now that they have a German at the helm. Look for a new, super-cool high-tech pope hat in the very near future!

I'm thinking a hat with built in Gps, wi-fi, XM Satellite Radio, and a mini-laser cannon/canon.
No, wait! Maybe even a couple of hat-to-air missles!!! Even HAT-TO-ASSHAT MISSLES. Oh MAN! That would be so freaking sweeeeeet! (Shudders...).

AHEM...

Invariably, I will get comments that (seemingly) archaic rules like no birth-control contribute to unwanted babies, and AIDS, but here is the dirty little secret... If you follow the other rules, you won't get AIDS. You know, like no pre-marital sex and junk like that. (Hey! It says CONSERVATIVE UAW Guy right at the top!) That, and God doesn't hate babies, someone wants them, even if it isn't the mother! I wonder how many Martin Luther King's, Einstein's and Ghandi's we've killed since Roe-vs-Wade. A sobering thought, huh?

In closing, I do not believe that the new pope has super ninjitsu powers like John Paul II. However, I AM hearing rumors that he can fly. Man-oh-man, that mixed with that new laser-missle hat....!!!! Just think of the possibilities!

Friday, April 22, 2005

YIPPEE! It's Earth Day

In honor of Earth Day, the CUG has decided to share some interesting tidbits about our favorite planet in the whole wide world.

The earth is roughly spherical in shape. No wait, I'm a Republican. THE EARTH IS FLAT! THE EARTH IS FLAT! RESCIND THE VOTE FOR WOMEN! MUHAHAHAHAHHA!

The earth is home to over 90% of known species.

The other 10% live here, too. They're just hiding.

Earth day is when my liberal friends worship their pagan earth and tree gods, while making fun of the real God. Good thing God has a sense of humor...

Global warming is a theory which is used by pinkos to try to force people to do their bidding.

It is supposed to snow here tomorrow. Where is my global warming, you asshats?

Hippies are so stupid; they blame snow on global warming, too.

The earth spins at a rate of 1 RPD, with a surface speed of approximately 1000mph at the equator

The earth has its own magnetic field.

That is why you don’t fly off the planet – magnetism.

Some people will tell you that magnetism only affects ferrous objects. They are idiots.
Tell them, “Well, why don’t we fly off the equator? Glue?” That’ll shut them up.

The earth flies around the sun at approximately 67,000mph. (That's almost as fast as my Trans Am). That really is glue that holds us in orbit there. Elmer’s Etherglue, I think.

You, by virtue of being alive, are contributing to the entropy of the universe. This entropy will ultimately be the death of the universe. That makes you a universe killer.

This is what the new Kyoto Protocol wants to address.
They want to kill you to save the universe.
You don't want to be killed?
What's wrong, do you hate the universe or something?
Don’t be a sissy, it is for the greater good, just like higher taxes. Think of the children. You don't hate children...do you?

I hope green, earth-nuzzling-French-hippies sign up to save the universe first. It would at least give them a meaningful end.

If the universe is destroyed, that will increase global-warming, thermal inversions, and the extinction of species. But only the really stupid species.

Happy Earth-Day! Please hug at least one tree. And eradicate entropy!


The CUG

Thursday, April 21, 2005

Not Too Terribly Fond of Jane.

A man, Michael A. Smith spit tobacco juice in Hanoi Jane's face at a book signing. See the story here:

Viet Vet Still Spitting Mad at Fonda

While at first, this may seem well deserved, it is an assault. (He should have spit on her books or something).


You know, this is the kind of stuff that gives conservatives a bad name. We don't even know if this guy is a conservative, but he will be portrayed that way in the MSM. This type of sophomoric behavior should be left to the leftist pie-throwers.

For the record, this action was wrong. While Jane Fonda deserves a lengthy jail sentence, and probably the death penalty, for being a dirty-hippy-liberal-pinko-commie-TRAITOR, she has not been tried and convicted by her peers (Oh! Pick me, pick me!). Likewise, she should not have been assaulted.

(I am, however, waiting for Alberto Gonzales to make his move on Jane soon! No statute of limitations on traitors!!! MUHAHAHAHA!)

Let's look at an example of how a real conservative would handle a situation like this...
For instance, if I saw Michael Moore in person, I wouldn't spit in his face...I would probably just die of a freaking brain aneurysm right there on the spot caused by my Herculean mental efforts to keep from
SMASHING HIS FAT F*&$%#@ SMUG PIE-HOLE INTO A PILE OF F@#$%^&* RED GOO, AND THEN SHOVING A STUPID HIPPY UP HIS @##%^!@, AND THEN RIPPING OUT HIS HEART AND MAKE HIM EAT IT BEFORE HE DIES, AND THEN SET HIS BLOATED CORPSE ON FIRE, ALL THE WHILE MANIACALLY LAUGHING LIKE “AHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAH”!!! THAT SON-OF-A-@#%$#. #$%&^%#$^%$%*%*$%*$*(%*)*$%#%###^($%*%$^^&$&*%^!!!!!!
AAAARGGHH!!!!! BLAARRRGGHH!!!!
(CLUNK!)

AHEM...

The reason I wouldn’t do anything, other than to politely say I disagree with his tactics, hygiene, use of oxygen, and politics, is because this is what classy, well-bred, intelligent conservatives and Christian-type people do.
We follow the rules of law, and good taste (this site excluded, of course), and don't smash even the most deserving commies, traitors, and/or filthy-hippies in the pie-hole. Nor do we rip out their hearts and ... well, you get the idea.
(Unless maybe they’re in another country and pose a threat!:))

The perp said:

"I consider it a debt of honor," Michael A. Smith told the Kansas City Star. "She spit in our faces for 37 years."

While this is true, we expect this type of behavior from clueless, brainwashed teens and ignorant, uncertain twenty-somethings that don’t know any better. Case in point:

“Hey, Moonbat and Treebark, let’s go trash a Starbucks and set a few of Hummers on fire! That’ll show those evil capitalist oppressors!! Later on we can burn down some housing developments. Come on, we’ll take my mom’s Volvo.”

Note: The Volvo is NOT UAW made, whilst the Hummers are. Stupid hippies, why don’t they burn Kia’s?.

So anyway, the guy (Smith) fell on his sword; but he does deserve to get charged, too.

Come on conservatives, were big kids. Let’s win with ideas, ideals, tenacity, and intelligence.

Oh, yeah! And let’s win because we’re right (pun intended).

Tuesday, April 19, 2005

Cool Links

Here are some cool links for your clicking pleasure.

These are work-safe sites, unless your boss is really liberal or something...

Save the Wabbit - The clock is ticking on Toby - Save Toby- this site is actually not true, but it is funny. And I believe the hate-mail it generates is true!

Almost the Brady's - Parody of Handgun Control, Inc.
Funny, and they have some good points, too.

Enjoy!

The CUG

Monday, April 18, 2005

Lunch Musings: Best type of terrorists...

1. Perforated ones! Hooray!
2. Smothered
3. Chopped
4. Diced
(Is this the Waffle House hash browns menu. or what?)
5. Smoked
6. Filleted
7. Flattened
8. Smooshed
9. Exploded
10. Dead
11. Eviscerated
12. Toasted (crispy brown, not drunk).
13. Grilled


And the very best type:

14. Live ones that have been converted to peace-loving pro-American capitalists. Hooray! Capitalism Rocks!

Sunday, April 17, 2005

Little Known Facts:

Did you know that the Hormel hog processing plant in Alabama, and Michael Moore, are the only two pork related objects visible to the naked eye from outer-space?

Saturday, April 16, 2005

Reasons to be like Europe

  1. Instead of just getting to kill babies in the womb, you get to kill babies after they are born, too. Woo-hoo. (See link below).
    Murder Incorporated
    Heck with that whole trimester thingy! We know what is best for all feebs, crips, and tards. Life-Shmife. That's what we say!

    2. No guns for law-abiding citizens. Yay! Only criminals and governments have guns, because they are the only ones who need them. No government would ever take advantage of a situation like that (right Adolph?). Somebody trying to rape or kill you, grab a phone, that'll stop them.

    3. You can have another country's tax payers pay for your defense, while you call them boorish, cheap, warmongering slobs.

    4. High powered beer!

    5. Legalized heroin.

    6. Crappy little sissy cars.

    7. You can pay for stuff in Euros and feel Cosmopolitan.

    8. Chicks that don't shave anywhere!!

    9. High powered beer (sorry, I just really, really, like that one!).

    10. You can watch a country get attacked by brutal, heartless, misogynistic, psychopathic murderers, and then vote against that persecuted country all the time, and at the same time criticize them for defending themselves, while capitulating to the same terrorist scum, because you are scared of them and think they will treat you nice if you kiss their butts (which makes you total dumbasses, but you're still euro-cool!).

"But, Mommy, I want to be euro-cool, too."

"Shut up junior, Mommy didn’t raise you to be a spineless, whiny, liberal p#ssy. Now go vote for a real Republican. And make sure it ain't no Republicrat rino."

"Yes, Mommy. Shall I smoke some terrorists while I'm at it?"

"Sure. Take my .45." (That's m'boy!)

What is a moonbat?

I have had some people ask for definitions of some words they see here. Here they are...

From Urban Dictionary:

1. moonbat
Someone on the extreme edge of the political left who has long abandoned fact & logic in the pursuit of spewing their scocialist crapaganda.
(ie Al Franken, Michael Moore, and Janeane Garafalo, to name but a few.)
Ann Coulter is the absolute antithesis of a moonbat.
Al Gore is a raving moonbat in a suit.

1. Muckadoo
Originated with Frank J. of IMAO.us

You will find the very first use of this word at:
www.imao.us/archives/001642.html

"monkey see + monkey do =muckadoo"
YOU MIGHT BE A MUCKADOO IF...
* ...you consider yourself political even though you don't follow many news sources but are very good at yelling things and waving signs.

* ...you think anyone who disagrees with you is a Nazi and should be rounded up and placed in camps.

FYI.

And of course, we have already discussed asshat...

Don't worry, kids! Look for more English lessons here real soon.

Friday, April 15, 2005

U.S. Marshals Nab Over 10,000 in Dragnet

WASHINGTON — More than 10,000 fugitives wanted for murder, rape, child abuse and other crimes have been arrested in the largest coordinated crackdown by federal, state and local law enforcement officials in history.

From Fox News, see the whole story here:

10,000 Democrats Swept Off Streets

Ok, ok. One of them was an independent.

Democrats were lamenting the loss of 10,000 votes for an average sentence of 9 years (ranging from 5 to life).

In an exclusive interview, the CUG talked to Michael Moore, about this unprecedented sweep.

Moore: "This is a disgrace! The Bush Administration is disenfranchising good, kind-hearted, honest, well-meaning, murders, rapists, child-molesters, and thieves so they can't vote in 2006 and 2008. Plus, this administration killed Bambi!

CUG: Don't many states, including my state of Ohio, let convicted felons vote?

Moore: Yes. But not while they are still in prison! This is patently unfair. We need violent criminals, the homeless, clueless college students, sheltered communist proffessors, and people incapable of making it on their own to elect our leaders!


CUG: Isn't it a bad idea to actively promote letting the dregs of society make the decisions on who will run this country? Especially if they are too lazy and stupid to make it to the polls?

Moore: You're Hitler! You're a fascist! You're a racist! You're white! Haliburton! Haliburton!

CUG: Gosh, I thought I was pragmatic. Didn't those Hitler and racist arguments go out with the 2004 election?

Moore: Hitler! Double-Hitler! CUG IS A BUG. HE'S ON A DRUG! CUG lied, kids died!

CUG: Damn! You're such a dumbass! Don't you know those rhyming slogans only work on tin-foil hat wearing commies, filthy hippies, and the mentally defective?

Moore: Oh, sorry. I forgot I was talking to the SO PERFECT UAW GUY.

CUG: That's Conservative UAW Guy.

Moore: Oh yeah. But I've got Moore money than you could ever dream about! So I am better than you.

CUG: Yeah, you have more money, but you still suck. All the money in the world can't change that. And, there is a good chance that you will go to hell.
(Dear Jesus, please let me make this one call...Amen.)
Also, if money made great people, you should love Dick Cheney.

Moore: Oh yeah, I forgot about that stuff. Damn, you think science could at least get rid of this smell I have.

CUG: Yes, you are a stinky, bloated, un-educated, communist, media-whore that reaps all the benefits of capitalism and a free market while hypocritically decrying it, but Christians are still praying for you, when they are not busy mocking you.

Moore: Cheney is Lamey! Condi is Doe-Dondy! Haliburton fo' certain. Rats!

CUG: Dude; chill! You're spazzing. Look, how is that whole If-Bush-gets-re-elected-everyone-under-65-will-get-drafted-in-5-minutes thing working out?

Moore: Shut up.

CUG: Well, there you have it. Straight from the whales mouth.

Keep checking back with CUG Headline News for the straight dope.

Courage...

Copyright CUG Headline News 2005, 2006, whatever it takes.

Deep Cover II

This is the second part of coverage of my deep-cover mission, into a typical Republican stronghold.
Yes, the CUG has infiltrated the Republican party. I went into the belly-of-the-beast for mankind, and the UAW.

READ FIRST PART OF REPORT HERE!

We pick up the report during Karl Rove’s televised (maybe…) speech…

The Rove speech was pretty standard for Republican fascist warmongers:

"Blah, blah, blah, personal responsibility...

Yak, yak, yak, limited government...

Yada, yada, yada, abortion is murder, human life is sacred and means something...

Wonk, wonk, wonk (apologies to C. Schultz), freedom, liberty, justice...

Blah, blah, blah, guns, guns, guns, tax cuts, tax cuts, tax cuts…"



While the speech was going on, I turned to my brother, who supports his wife and 5 kids on a cop's salary by day, and is an
EVIL-SOOOOPER-DOOPER-RICH-GUN-NUT-REPUBLICAN-FASCIST-OPPRESSOR by night, and asked him,

"Where did you guys get all this tasty food? These animals are hard to kill, uh...I hear. (Are we allowed to take doggie bags home?)."


My bro said,
“Well, the swell folks at Haliburton have found a way to make chemicals that only kill endangered species, and leave all that tasty animal flesh in tact for Republican consumption, with no ill effects to the consumer.
They use black helicopters to spray it over the areas where we track these little bitches" (points at eagle drumsticks).

"The whole plan is, once we wipe out these endangered species, the filthy-hippy tree-huggers will have to find something else to whine about. While they are distracted, we will kill them, and then roast them at future dinners.

And yes, you may take a doggie bag home; you can even take a doggie-cup home, MUHAHAHAHAHA!"

I (internally recoiling in disgust) said,
“But wouldn't cooking dirty-hippies make for a crappy tasting meal?
(to self – Damn, these smoothies are good!)"


To which he replied,
"Nah, you just got to cut out the mud-vein, and the sickeningly-self-righteous-oblivious-closed-minded-idiot-vein, then it's all good. Additionally, we have found that the tin-foil hats help keep them fresher, for longer periods of time. Kind of ironic, eh?"
I responded coolly,
Indeed...”

Now, I am intrigued... NO, Wait!!! I mean appalled!

Then, briefly overcome by smoothies, bloodlust, and the demonic, monotonic rantings of Rove, I say in a fit of puppy-juice euphoria,

“One other question dear brother. My puppy is pretty big.
Now of course, I would never turn him into a smoothie (or a roast, mmm….roast), but how do you, hypothetically speaking, fit a such big puppy into one of those little dinky-ass blenders?

Well, I mean, short of hacking it to bits with a machete, while screaming “F****NG BILL CLINTON!!!” at the top of your lungs, in front of a group of sickly, poverty-stricken school-children from broken homes?”

My bro replies,

“Oh that’s easy. Diebold makes blenders for just such occasions. I believe the new one is the Puppy Pureemaster-Pro 3000. It also does kittens, as well as baby ducks.”

[I’m thinking to myself, “Sweeeeeet! D'OH! I mean, THOSE BASTARDS!”]

“Diebold? You mean the guys that make the voting machines the moonbats are always griping about on DU?”, I say.
He replies,

“Well, yeh. How do you think Bush stole the election the SECOND time?”


(WOW! These guys really are evil!)

To see how evil they are, check out this conversation I recorded with my secret official muckadoo spy microphone.
(I got it free with my contractually supplied tin-foil hat and Republican-codeword-decoder ring):

”Hey Biff, aren't we going to feed some commie protesters to the lions?”

”Nah, Thurston, that was last year.”

”Damn, I really like seeing the ones with the No Blood for Oil signs go down, sometimes they even spell all the words right. Not even a homeless person, or a hobo? What about Michael Moore. AAAAAACK!! OW! OW! It burns!”

“You know you can’t say his name or see him without experiencing pain. Relax, were making up for it by killing 735 BILLION Iraqis, while stealing their oil.
Bwwahahahahahah!

“Oh, ok. Stupid Iraqis.”


Fox News, the network of EVIL, was on hand to cover-up all the evil-doings, and to make a 60 second Republibite to make Republicans look like caring-not-evil-human-like (humanesque?) people:

Brit Hume:

…I’m Brit Hume, and that is why liberal Democrats suck.

Next, we have an on-the-scene live report from our correspondent in Archbold, Oh, Laurie Dhue. Laurie?

Laurie Dhue:

"Thanks Brit. Good evening, this is Laurie Dhue, and I am smoking hot."
(Eds note: That is not news. Sorry honey. Sorry Jesus. Stoopid eyes!!)

"The Republicans gathered today for an annual dinner - the Lincoln-Hayes Banquet, in Archbold, Ohio. It is being hosted by Congressman Paul Gillmor, of the 5th Congressional District. The guest speaker was the Honorable Chuck Hagel, of Nebraska. Both caring, good-hearted, compassionate Republicans.

Brit, these men are, of course, both NOT-evil, and
love children, widows, orphans, puppies, and baby-ducks.
Dinner did not consist of a multitude of endangered species.
Likewise, they did not serve puppy and/or kitten smoothies, and obviously, this dinner involved no human sacrifices whatsoever.

Also, as you would surmise, we saw nothing of the reports of a filthy-hippy-beating, or commie-tasering booth. Apparently, the smell of burnt flesh was actually coming from an overcooked veggie-burger.

Yep, nothing to see here except good old-fashioned, America-loving, patriotic political discourse. You can’t get much more fair and balanced then that.

Back to you, Brit."

Brit:

“Damn, she is front burner hot.
Up next, see the new report on why voting Democratic causes cancer and syphilis, while at the same time endangers the rain-forests.

When fair and balanced Fox News returns, after these messages…"

(Cue evil, but upbeat, Fox News music. Dah, dah-dah, dah...dah...dah...)

"DO YOU LOVE JESUS? BUY THESE PLATES…”

Stupid commercials.

To be continued…

Copyright CUG Headline News 2005-FOREVER!

Thursday, April 14, 2005

Recipe Time

One of my tens of fans asked when a puppy smoothy recipe would be available.

Here it is:

1 Puppy
1 bottle of smoothy mix
lots of rum (tequila, whiskey, brandy, vodka, whatever...)
ice cubes
1 blender

Put puppy and ice in blender. Liberally pour smoothy mix and alcolhol on top (he might whine or yelp, but puppies do that).

Turn on blender until S-M-O-O-T-H!

Pour into chilled glasses with salt around the rims (if desired).

mmmmmm....smoothies...

I am awaiting a fax on how to make kitten smoothies, will post when available!

The ACLU At It Again! Hates Scouting!


This is a blurb from a Fox News column:

See it here.

Troops Directed To Find New Sponsors

The Boy Scouts of America has directed troops across the country that are sponsored by public schools or other government entities to find new, private sponsors. This after the ACLU complained that the Boy Scouts' oath with its promise to "do my duty to God and my country," amounts to a religious endorsement. And that, the ACLU insists, could trample on the rights of those who want to be a Boy Scout, but don't believe in God.

The Boy Scouts of America, quoted by the St. Louis Post Dispatch, says the ACLU's stance, "defies common sense," but says it would rather issue the directive, than face a lawsuit from the ACLU.

— FOX News' Michael Levine contributed to this report


To contribute to the Boy Scouts, click the following link:

Support Scouting

Democratic Underground Official Headgear

Here you go DU libs, official instructions for the tin-foil hat.

You will be stylin'!

Click the link below, I like to call them:

Tin-Foil Hats for Asshats!!!

Although, the name Aluminum Foil Deflector Beanie definitely has a ring, too.

Nanu Nanu...

Tip of the hat to the Merritt's for the info. THANKS, GUYS!!! YOU ROCK!

French Info

Astute and obviously intelligent reader (hey, he reads CUG doesn't he?) JebTexas, sent me the information contained in the following link regarding French military history.

Frenchy McHistory Facts


Also, check out this fake Google screen you get if you go to the real google and type in - french military victories - without the dashes and click the I Feel Lucky button. This really does work, or click the link below. Funny...

Fake google screen

Thanks, JebTexas... You da Man!

Lunch Musings: Tax Refunds

Tomorrow is the big day, April 15th!

Here are some conservative ideas for your tax refunds:

1. Buy an Ann Coulter book. Buy one for a friend, too.

2. Join the NRA. If your a member, become a life-member (like me!).

3. Take $0.80 and mail a threatening letter to France. When you see them running a white flag up the Eiffel Tower on Fox News while screaming, "Save us America!!!", you can be all like "Dude! That was totally me that did that!"

4. Make a donation to ANYBODY that is fighting the ACLU.

5. Buy a gun.

6. If your tax refund is big enough, buy another gun, and some ammo, too!

7. Buy anything that is made from animal skin, bone, or flesh. (mmmm....whale burgers).

8. Invest in cable or satellite so you can be brainwashed by the sinister mind-control waves of Karl Rove via the FOX NEWS CHANNEL!!! (Muhahahahahahahha!!!)

9. Buy ME a gun!!! You know it will not go unappreciated.

10. Fill the gas tank in your SUV and drive around aimlessly (speeding, of course), wasting precious natural resources, while screaming, "Screw you, you UN hippies, and your Kyoto Protocol, too!!"

11. Buy a ticket to a Republican dinner and eat endangered species whilst drinking puppy smoothies.

12. Join the GOP and the Republican Party! YEE-HAW!

Click here: Yes, Conservative UAW Guy, I want to be a Republican.

Thank you for your consideration in this matter.

Leave some more/better suggestions in the comments!!!

Sincerely,
The CUG

Wednesday, April 13, 2005

Reasons America Kicks-Ass

1. Because God, and his kid ol' what's-his-name are on our side (no thanks to liberals)
(Sorry, Jesus! Just kidding!) Thunder rumbles.....

2. We created Elvis. Top that Canada; and no, Bryan Adams doesn't count.

3. We invented cruise missles and nukes, and have more than anyone else. Yee-Haw!

4. Discovered electricity to run computers and keep beer cold.

5. Guns, guns, guns!!!

6. Perfected the art of saving the world. You're welcome, World! :)

7. We have Ann Coulter.

8. We're the only Super-Power! (Shouldn't we have a cape or something?)

9. We're not France.

10. We're not France. (Sorry, that one just really tickles me.)

11. We're not France. (Sorry... last time. I just don't get tired of hearing that!)

12. France hates us. Hooray!!

13. Tax cuts, tax cuts, tax cuts!!!

14. I've got one word for you - Ronald Wilson Reagan

Tuesday, April 12, 2005

CUG Goes Undercover Into Evil Republican Stronghold

EXCLUSIVE! CUG Headline News Investigative Reports EXCLUSIVE!

FLASH!

Dateline: Saturday Night

This reporter, risking life and limb for the benefit of the UAW, went deep undercover into an evil Republican stronghold.

The CUG successfully infiltrated the Fifth Congressional District's
Lincoln-Hayes Banquet,
which was thrown by Representative Paul E. Gillmor, R-OH (Yay! Oops, I mean boo!)
with Guest Speaker the Honorable Charles (Chuck) Hagel R-NE (Yay! Oops, I mean- Stoopid Republicans!).

This mission was accomplished by employing sheer cunning, intelligence, and tenacity, as well as a masterful disguise, and nothing short of brilliant, concise planning (if I do say so myself).

Oh yeah, that, and my brother had an extra ticket, because his wife didn’t want to go, that cost me 25 bucks.
Stupid Republicans! They even gouge autoworkers when they’re family!! Quit oppressing the little guy! (Sigh) The MAN strikes again, keepin' a brother (literally!!) down.

Anyway, we arrived at Founders Hall, located in the metropolis of Archbold, OH, cruising in our platinum-plated, diamond-encrusted, gas-guzzling, Hummer-brand stretch-limos (we took separate ones to use more oil) and filed in with all the other rich oppressors-of-the-working-man. (At least the Hummers are union made!)

After passing through metal detectors (to make sure no-one was without at least one firearm), we went into the main hall. There were a couple booths where you could take pot-shots at hippies with a bat, or for an extra dollar you could taser them. We were tired from kicking old people out of their homes, and so decided to forgo any hippie-beating or shocking.

After genuflecting to a life-size statue of Karl Rove, we took our seats.

Dinner was unbelievable! We started out with drinks. Blended puppy-smoothies. MMMM...I think they were Labrador puppies. Yum! They must have had industrial-sized blenders based on the number of pitchers I saw. Were talkin’ S-M-O-O-T-H! They got the recipe from Glenn Reynolds! (Here is the story on that!)

For hor'dourves, we had snail-darter dip, harp-seal haggis, and minced manatee, with a small side of alliteration. Everything was wonderful. I know these Republicans are evil, but man, do they know how to eat! Does just being endangered make stuff taste better, or what? More research is in order. Ooops, I mean, “Damn you heartless, evil animal murderers!!!”

Then came the main course.

Bald eagle breast and drumsticks.
Blended kitten-smoothies (a first for this reporter! I think they were calicos).
REAL elephant ears.
And a salad made from the last of plants from an oil-company-decimated Brazilian rain-forest that was home to an indigenous tribe of midget-hippy-people (who were summarily killed) as well as the last 14 living monkeys of the genus dirtyhippius mooreonus, who were summarily killed and served in the salad.

Man was I stuffed!!!

Wait!! I mean, THESE PEOPLE ARE SICK!
(Could I have just a little more of that breast meat, please?)
mmm...pure eagle flavor! Oops! I mean gack!!

For desert, more smoothies.
(Not sure what kind, drunk on money, power, and evil by now.)
As well as imported panda-pie, topped lightly with a little more alliteration.

Next was the human sacrifice to the chief chimp/Rove-puppet, George W. HitlerNaziButYetSomehowBeholdentToTheJooooosFacistKillerEvilGeniusButStillAnIdiotBush.

Stoopid Bush. I read on DU that he killed the pope. The truth is out there…

[Analysis: So the brilliant, 170 IQ, savior-of-the-liberal-world Clinton couldn’t get a little tail at home without a scandal, but the idiot chimp Bush can pull off an assassination of a guy a half a world away, surrounded by God and his helpers. Thank you Democratic Underground for enlightening me. Please mail my tin-foil hat to 192…]

Now, I figured they would have sacrificed a Democrat woman that was a virgin, but they couldn’t find any (thank you Planned Parenthood, NOW, ACLU, and the public school system!) so they actually sacrificed one of their own. (Eds note: Just KIDDING! Gosh, you guys need to relax!!)

Now we know why those evil bastards preach abstinence!!
They need virgins to sacrifice!!!
(Cue revelation music… DUN-DUN-DAAHHHH!!!)

Sex-ed really does save lives…Stupid virgins!

Next, was a televised speech by the dark overlord Karl Rove (I think it was televised… Can Karl teleport?!?!)


To be continued…

Copyright CUG Headline News 2005-1,000,000 AD. Got it!?

Lunch Musings: Knock-Knock

Knock-Knock

Who's there?

Terrorists!

(and the Glock goes ching-ching)
Terrorists whoooo...?

Pow-Pow-Pow-Pow-Pow-Pow-Pow-Pow-Pow-Pow-Pow-Pow-Pow!!!!!

(That's a rapidly fired 13 round mixture of Federal Hydr-Shok JHP's and straight jacketed ball ammo in the .45 caliber flavor, for those of you unfamiliar with the .45 Glock model 21C with 13 round magazines).

Damn! Now I'll never hear the punch-line!


@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

Knock-Knock

Who's there?

Avon Lady, you stinking capitalistic infidel...

(ching-ching_)
Avon Lady whoooo...?

Pow-Pow-Pow-Pow-Pow-Pow-Pow-Pow-Pow-Pow-Pow-Pow-Pow-Pow!!!!!

Avon Ladies are entrepreneurs and therefore love capitalists and conservative Republicans!!!
(Stoopid terrorists!)


@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

Knock-Knock

Who's there?

Girl Scout cookies!

(ching-ching)

Girl Scout cookies whoooo...?

Pow-Pow-Pow-Pow-Pow-Pow-Pow-Pow-Pow-Pow-Pow-Pow-Pow-Pow!!!!!

Girl Scouts don't have beards and wear towels on their heads.
(Stoopid terrorists!)

@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

Knock-Knock

Who's there?

Ted Kennedy.

Pow-Pow-Pow-Pow-Pow-Pow-Pow-Pow-Pow-Pow-Pow-Pow-Pow-Pow!!!!!
(Click, thump, snap, ching!)
Pow-Pow-Pow-Pow-Pow-Pow-Pow-Pow-Pow-Pow-Pow-Pow-Pow-Pow!!!!!
(Click, thump, snap, ching!)
(Eds note: Witness the clever use of onomatopoetic words.)
Pow-Pow-Pow-Pow-Pow-Pow-Pow-Pow-Pow-Pow-Pow-Pow-Pow-Pow!!!!!

(I reloaded...uh, twice).

"Hey, I thought he was going to drown me, or raise my taxes, or try to implement socialized medicine, or register and ultimately confiscate my guns.
This is clearly a case of self-defense!
Call Barry Scheck!!"



@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

(Later on that week...)
Knock-Knock

Who's there?

Uhhh... It's not the President of the United States with a medal to pin on your chest, that's for sure!

Come on in, George. Want a beer?


(The CUG does happy-dance while drinking beer!)

Monday, April 11, 2005

Koran scholar: US will cease to exist in 2007

The above title is from this story:

Koran scholar: US will cease to exist in 2007

Here is a quote from that article:

"If no one on earth is capable of punishing [the US], Allah was and remains able to do so. All these actions (CUG eds note: American sins) have been documented by Allah in a big archive called the Koran."

At least I know the Koran is an archive now. And here I thought it was a religious tome.
Why don't the "peaceable" Islam spokespeople denounce these asshats that hate America.
It would massively enhance their credibility. These people are REALLY quiet if someone is dogging Christians or America.
Perhaps denouncing these psychos would help us forget those jerks that were dancing in the streets on 9/11 (have we nuked those rectorial nuggets yet?).

Hey, you know what? We should have an official policy… No wait!!!
I know!
We’ll have a constitutional amendment regarding any American tragedy, or tragedies. It will go something like this:

Amendment Number 9-11:

In regards to any loss, distress, mishap, misfortune, tragedy, disaster, calamity, catastrophe, death, or anything else bad involving Americans and/or Christians, the law states:

Happy Dancing = Death

Sure, this may seem a little harsh, but it is for the planet’s own good (tree-huggers unite!).

Here is a sample scenario:

Target 1:

“Hey, Mohammed, did you hear about the two capitalistic-running-dog-infidels that died in a car wreck in Cleveland, Ohio?”

Target 2:

“Yes I did. This is wonderful news, Ahkmed! Let us dance in the streets with our American-hating friends.
We shall celebrate the deaths of those-whom-we-can-always-count-on-to-rush-to-help-us-
even-in-the-face-of-death-
whenever-we-need-it-while-disregarding-the-fact-that-we-hate-them! Allah Akbar!”

(They begin Middle-Eastern Happy Dancing in the streets while waving AK-47's...)

KA-BOOM!


(Large mushroom-cloud appears)

Commentator over radio and PA:

“This has been a test of the American International Anti-Happy Dancing System.
Had this be an actual ass-whooping, your whole freaking country would be a glass parking-lot right now, and we would be stealing your oil for real, not just in some dirty-hippy fantasy. (By the way, you’re welcome for our restraint.)

In the future, try to keep your glee and delight regarding American tragedies, deaths, and perceived failures, in the comment sections of the Democratic Underground, ACLU and DNC websites (as well as in the MSM) - where they belong.

This concludes this test of the American International Anti-Happy Dancing System.”

(That reminds me, does France have oil?)

Consequently, based on my amendment, here’s my headline:

Loudmouthed Koran scholars that hate America, Christians, the Joooos and other non-Muslims, will cease to exist in 2005 and 2006.


If your gonna go out in a short period of time, you might as well take someone with you!
What the hell is the use of having the most nukes in the world if you never use them? ME FOR PRESIDENT!!! WOO-HOO!!!

(Heaven forefend that I ever get told I have two years to live!)

In closing, there are many Muslims who are conservative, peace-loving, capitalistic, pro-gun, pro-life, pro-union, anti-commie, and anti-greasy-hippy (right?).
Let’s hear from them.
And let’s erase the hats.

This message has been brought to you, and is copyrighted, by The Conservative UAW Guy and CUG Headline News. The opinions stated here do not reflect the views of the CUG’s wife, blogger.com, CBS News, the Democratic Underground or (quite honestly) anybody else.

Copyright CUG Headline News 2005-1,000,000 AD.

Sunday, April 10, 2005

Top 10 Reasons the Pope Kicked-A... uh, was great!

"This world is not capable of making man happy."
The late, blessed John Paul II.

“A saint that had more class in his little finger than the rest of us combined.
He will be missed immensely. He was my first pope that I really was a grown-up with.”
The present, lame, sinner CUG.



Here are the top 12 (10 wasn't enough) reasons that Pope John Paul II rocked:

12. He taught a lesson to all those people who told Polish jokes.

11. He consistently drew bigger crowds than Elvis, P-Diddy, Brittney Spears and Michael Jackson.

10. He consistently drew a bigger crowd than Elvis, P-Diddy, Brittney Spears and Michael Jackson even at his own funeral!

9. He never disfigured himself with cosmetic surgery, never changed his skin color, and never molested children, and still drew bigger crowds than Michael Jackson.

8. His life story was in a Marvel comic book in 1983.
Was your life story ever in a Marvel comic book? I didn't think so... loser.

7. Time magazine named him Man of the Year in 1994, saying that he generated an electricity "unmatched by anyone else on earth."
Were you ever named Man of the Year in 1994? I didn't think so... loser.

6. He spoke 8, count 'em 8 languages. That's more than Condi Rice speaks.
Can you speak 8... ah, you know...

5. His supported the Solidarity movement in Poland.
Hooray!!! JPII supports unions! The CUG loves that!
Interestingly, priests hid messages that were from him in their robes to give to jailed union leaders. This helped oust the commie leaders in Poland. JPII helped smite commies!!! (In a peaceful way, of course).

4. He said,

"A nation that kills its own children has no future."
(Man, that's profound!)
Gosh, was he talking about car seats? Or was it arsenic in the drinking water?
Watch out Choicers!

3. He also said,

“A well-regulated Militia being necessary to the security of a free State,
the right of the people to keep and bear Arms shall not be infringed."
OK, he didn’t say that, but he was definitely thinking it.

2. He got Castro (yeah, Fidel) to kiss his butt!
Figuratively, of course.
Fidel even wore a suit!!! When's the last time you saw that?

And the number one reason John Paul II Rocked (drum roll...)







1. Unparalleled super-ninja and kung-fu powers (as well as the ability to use the Vulcan Neck-Pinch). That big cross he carried actually contained a ninja-sword of the finest Sony steel known to man. I think God might have made it.
(OK, I made this last one up, but he could have been a super-ninja if he wanted to).

All kidding aside:

God, I miss him. There is a hole in my heart…

Back By Popular Demand!!! More English!

Yes folks, that's right. It is time for more examples of how to use the word asshat in a sentence!
This is indeed back by popular demand (one person asked for more!).

This one is in reference to Conservative bloggers that are techno-tards (like me, the CUG). (See Technical Difficulties post).
Here goes:


"If you are a total moron with HTML, and you hose code and then think it's the website's problem, when it's really your lame-butt code and junky Internet Explorer that is the problem, then you are an asshat!"
Thanks kids! That's all for today.
Look here often for more educational examples.

Because CUG Cares!
(CUG Cares, along with CUGs not Drugs, are copyrighted phrases. Any infringement may be in violation of state and/or federal laws, which could result in fines, imprisonment, or both. Or you may just get bitch-slapped!)

Saturday, April 09, 2005

Technical Difficulties.

Sorry about the site problems for you Internet Explorer users.
I thought it was a blogger.com site problem.

I use Mozilla's Firefox browser. The slow download, crashing, not scrolling problems were only apparent if one was using IE. I finally made the connection today. Stupid brain, it's always messing me up! Firefox rocks! It is fast and not prone to hacks and spyware anywhere near what IE is. If you want to download it go here:

Get Firefox!


The problem is fixed. Strange that it only affected IE, but oh well. Welcome to Windows! There was some bad code or a bad tag in my response to my Canadian friend. The article has been reposted, but all original comments attatched to it were lost (Article: Canuk Bashing for Fun and Profit). Sorry, some of the comments were good, too. See, another problem related to foreigners. Just kidding, Peacy!

I am trying to figure out HTML code... someday.

Again, many apologies.

Lunch Musing: Stereotypes and My Friend Peacy

Sometimes, I make fun of people. Remember Suncabbage a.k.a. Peacy?

See original posting here...

However, this making fun of people is usually only for HUMOR. Not even necessarily good humor.

Stereotypes are fun, they are not always correct, but they are fun. I know many people that fit, or partially fit stereotypes regarding their socioeconomic status, their religion, their type of employment (no electrical or teacher jokes here please, I'm sensitive), their education level, their gender, their race, the sexual proclivities, etc.

I also know many people that do not fit them at all.

I fit some stereotypes, too:

You know, like REALLY, REALLY, REALLY, GOOD-LOOKING people are stuck up.
But I try to be nice to my homlies…I mean my homies.

Or the stereotype that REALLY, REALLY, REALLY, INTELLIGENT people think they know more than everyone else. Of course, we DO, but we try not to rub it in peoples’ faces.

So if you see stereotypes in here being made fun of, it is only because I think people who are different from me in any way are funny. Ooops! Did I write that out-loud? Stupid huge brain!

That being said, I would like to thank Peacy the Health-nut for letting me vent on his commie, hippy, snarky comments, while at the same time assuring him that, as a Christian, I love him and would never crack his shell, unless he really deserved it.

I am praying for you, Suncabbage. And I am also praying for you to become a conservative Christian, Peacy!!

VOTE REPUBLICAN, PEACY!!!! YEE-HAW!!!!

Also, I realize that there are many brave Canadians, it's just that their nanny-state, sissy-socialist-commie-gun-grabbing government won’t let them have a real military. Hell, they had to fly to the tsunami victims on Russian planes (who are still pretty-much commies, by the way).

Come on down and join our military guys! We have a big tent with room for everyone.
Well, you can keep the dirty-hippies and commies up north.

(Oops, sorry Jesus.)

Yeah, I guess the hippies can come too; I guess. But I’m still going to rant at them and try to convert them. (Stoopid socialists!)

Also, if you are a Canadian who is not a whiny socialist asshat, here is a really cool site that I frequent regularly:

http://www.conservativegroundswell.com/

It is for conservative Canadians, run by a Canadian. This is how I know there are conservative Canadians. This site is the real deal. Real conservative. They even have ANN COULTER articles (sigh). Ooops! Sorry about the sigh, honey. Sorry, Jesus.

I’m on a roll today.

Please visit the aforementioned site, you might like it.

In closing, remember that when I bash people, it’s just a rant, so relax. People that don’t understand that might be humorless asshats! Be careful, you may be the next to incur my wrath, Hateful Hattie!

And remember, just because I call you an asshat, doesn’t mean I really mean it, maybe…

Lunch Musing: Anthill

Spontaneous combustion?

Physics, or the equivalent of God getting bored and using a magnifying glass on HIS anthill?

Maybe the person is an ant God really, really dislikes.

I hope I'm a good ant.

SPF 1,000,000 anyone?

More aclu

The original Toledo Channel 24 News story:

ACLU Fighting Ohio Sex Offender Law


Here is the ACLU press release defending their stance:

We hate God and love Perverts

Those guys have good writers! For a minute there I was getting ready to join and donate money. (Then I pulled my head out of my a##.)

Here is a quote from the ACLU, from the aforementioned article:
"In comparison to other types of offenses, sex offenders recidivate at a less frequent rate."
OH Reeeeealy?

Here is a quote from another story:

“It happens all the time,” said Louis B. Schlesinger, a forensic psychologist specializing in criminal behavior and sex crimes at John J. College of Criminal Justice (search) in New York. “The dangerous ones have a high recidivism rate.”
That quote is from this article:

Convicted Child Molesters Often Strike Again

Yeh, I know, it's Fox News, but it still jives with anecdotal evidence, as well as documented evidence, regardless of what the ACLU commies say.

FYI, here is the Ohio Electronic Sex Offender Registration and Notification Site:

http://www.esorn.ag.state.oh.us/Secured/p1.aspx

You know, I would have a lot more respect for these ##############'s if they had one pro-gun suit. Isn't the 2nd amendment a civil right? They are strangely silent here....

Watch for the exclusive CUG Headline News interview with the president of the ACLU (the one other than Satan).

Friday, April 08, 2005

ACLU Loves Kids!!! (Maybe too much).

The ACLU, always on protecting the weakest, the voiceless, and the helpless, has lept to the defense of sex offenders living near schools in Ohio.

ACLU Sues Ohio

Devoping story....

Wednesday, April 06, 2005

Canuk Thumping for Fun and Profit

Suncabbage the Commie sent me a comment regarding the grandma who pulled out her own teeth with pliers.

This is the link to the original story:

http://www.thesun.co.uk/article/0,,2-2005142569,00.html


Here is original posted comment:

I'm wondering why the foreign dentists were unsatisfactory, surely they at least have better anaesthetic than a pint? (Or a couple of pints) Maybe they include the alcohol in the bill and that was the breaker for her? Living, as I do, in the States--the home of everything commercial and how can we get it bigger, better and faster, by the way; and coming from Canada, born and raised among the peace-loving social medicine providers; it occurs to me that you can find that same woman (grandmother, and all) in almost any county. I pay much more for my limited coverage here than I would in Canada, but I get in a smidge faster as the lines are growing up North. No Dentistry coverage come to think of it so I guess my points off completely. You did mention something about humour though, so maybe you'll forgive me. :) J.

Monday, April 04, 2005 11:02:39 PM

Here is my quite witty, and intelligent, reply:

Thanks Suncabbage. You rock the casbah.

I should forgive because I’m a Christian.

But, I am not a great Christian.
However, I will certainly try to forgive you if you always vote Republican from now on, unless I tell you otherwise.
Please check back with me periodically.

The whole point of the grandma story was that:
A: There are not ENOUGH dentists getting paid by state-raped taxpayers in England, and
B: Foreigners suck, the foreign dentists were unsatisfactory because they are foreign, and
C: Some grandmas are TOTAL BADASSES!!! This broad could be a ninja!
So, it’s not an issue that the dentists are too expensive, or the grandma was uninsured.

Next item...

Granted you pay more here for your health coverage than you do in Canada, because

YOU ARE NOT IN CANADA!!!

That is why your income tax is in the teens instead of 50 or 60%.

Also, if by peace-loving you mean the

“We live next to the baddest mofo in the valley (the US), so we can dismantle our military and then let the US pay all the money, develop all the technology, keep watch on evil-doers 24-7, do all the wet work, take all the risks, incur all the casualties, and protect us from all evil (i.e. foriegners) while we bitch about their warmongering ways and at the same time reap all the benefits of being in proximety to them.”

definition, then I am on-board with that.
(My apologies to the 37 Canadians that actually helped us).

Oh, by the way - You’re welcome.

How come Canadians are badasses on the hockey ice thingy (field, rink, floe, cube tray, sculpture, parade?), but are peaceniks everywhere else.

Thank God that if terrorists ever challenge the North American continent to a hockey game, we can count on Canada to kick their asses.

Hey Suncabbage, can I call you Peacy McNonads?
I like that name.
It makes me laugh.
You make me laugh.
I make me laugh.
Socialists are fun and silly!
Where can I get some more of you wacky lefties?
Do you guys come in six-packs?
Will I get a better deal for a case of 24?
Do you asshats come in a keg?

Do you have any commie siblings I can torment sometime?
What about leftist cousins? How about a dirty-hippie uncle?

Do your parents know that you’re a smarmy, condescending, socialist whiner that has poor spelling and grammatical skills?

Are you as full of hate as the bitching American socialists I see all the time?

I was just saying the other day,

“You know, I haven’t pissed off a socialist for like 10 or 15 minutes (I do work in a UAW shop, you know, so socialists are readily available). Gosh, I hope I hear from one soon.”

Thank you for answering my plea, Peacy-boy.

Also, I know you won’t try to hit me because you’re a peace loving socialistic health nut.
Don’t make me crack your shell, Peacy.
You would probably crumble like a 4 year old Christmas walnut in my Chow-Chow's jaws.
(My Chow hates liberals, socialists, and commies. My dog is quite intelligent.
Fortunately, dogs cannot be sued....yet).

By the way, for your edification, Christmas is a holiday that celebrates the birth of a guy called Jesus.
He died for you, you dirty hippy.
Unfortunately, socialists and commies don’t appreciate that.
This is sad, because Jesus even loves socialist and commie asshats.
He tells me to love these asshats, too.

I am not Jesus, so I think socialists and commie asshats suck.
I am working on that. My love of commies and traitors is currently a work in process.
I am praying to Jesus to make me a more tolerant person.
I think I need to pray a lot more.

(If you happen find Jesus, you will be happy like I am, and as an added extra bonus, you get to live forever there Mr. P. McNonads. Additionally, living forever rocks!!!)

Also, you are correct, I did mention something about humor, and it is allowed from people that write comments, too. Try it some time! Your last attempt was a little lacking. I have found that high-powered beer helps sometimes.

Synopsis:

Look, Mr. Nonads...
You're in America now.

Lighten up, and have good teeth.
Buy yourself a nice gun, maybe two.
Scorn some homeless people.
Ridicule the poor.
Make fun of foreigners. (Even Canadians! You’re over here now.)
Use up a disproportionately large amount of the world’s natural resources.
Buy another gun.

These things are my birthright, but you can do them too, since you’re on our soil.
Yee-Haa! God bless the U.S. Constitution!

By the way, since you’re in America, we spell humor here sans (without) the sissy British U.
Colour your face red (but not commie red, I hope!).

Also, generally, in the US, only homos use the word smidge. Just trying to help you acclimate to the good old US of A, cowpoke.

Additionally - If you’re a French-Canadian,
or just plain French-pretending-to-be-Canadian,
all surrenders are accepted on Mondays and Wednesdays before 5PM.
If you try to surrender on Fridays, you may be bitch-slapped. (It’s Friday for Pete’s sake!)

More Lunch Musings Peter Jennings

Peter Jennings announced he has lung cancer:

http://apnews.myway.com/article/20050406/D899UDH80.html

I'm not a big fan of MSM guys, but Jennings is an icon and he and his family are in my prayers.

I used to trust him, too. So he feels like part of the family. He betrayed me, but he's still family.

Maybe he'll find God now, and start telling the truth about the world.


FLASH!

In a semi-related story, Dan Rather has uncovered documents that Jenning's cancer was caused by the Bush Administration, Haliburton, and tax cuts for the rich.

CUG Headline News reports that the the documents, given to Rather by an anonymous homeless person, contain evidence so damning that even the Democratic Underground is questioning it!

Jobless (by choice) Hippie wearing tin-foil hat:
Yeh, we knew that Bush is killing everyone he can to help his fat-cat buddies. You know their stock goes up everytime one of Bush's goons murders someone.
What do you expect from the rich.
That's why we need poor people like John Kerry and Michael Moore running the country.

(You got any weed, dude?)

The interview was cut short when a man wearing a W2 shirt ran by, laughing manically, and smacked the hippy with a large cut of meat. He was heard to say:

Feel the wrath of murdered, succulent, tasty cow you f***ing liberal tree-hugger!
This reporter, being a concerned Christian citizen, offered help immediatly:

Hey, you dirty hippy! You better get up and shag-ass outa here before the cops think you're passed-out, and beat the living hell out of you with night sticks or taser you.
(To self- That would be cool!!! Sorry, Jesus!)
Here's your hat, I think the foil might be ripped.
You better hurry, I just called them on my cell phone!

And then, still showing concern for my fellow man:

Hey, meat guy!
Now that you have that lovely cut of bovine perfection tenderized, I suggest putting it in a covered roasting pan with two inches of beef broth in the bottom and a bay leaf. Try cooking it for about two hours at 275 degrees.
Here is a couple dollars to buy some potatos. Make sure you get the big Russet ones for a chunk of steer like that.
I'll tell the cops a band of angry midget abortionsists attacked the guy because he said the J-word (eds note: that's Jesus for you commies out there).


That's the CUG. Always looking out for his fellow man.


Of course CUG Headline news will keep you apprised of this story as it develops.

Copyright CUG Headline News 2005-100,001

Tuesday, April 05, 2005

SHOCK AND AWE: CUG/ANN COULTER FLAP!!!!

News Flash: CUG Headline News Exclusive - The scoop wit da poop!!

The Conservative UAW Guy disagrees with Ann Coulter!!

Is this humanly possible!!??

Has the world stopped spinning?
Did hell freeze over?
Did Michael Moore stop snacking for 37+ seconds?

Details:

Ann Coulter called Ted Kennedy a human dirigable in a recent speech.

Here is an exclusive quote from the CUG:


"Well, as much as I like Ann. I must respectfully disagree.
Dirigables float.
Neither Mr. Kennedy, his car, nor his passengers float. If he did, at his size, his car would have floated like an old VW bug, or a liberal college professor in a vat of liquid tofu and soybean oil.

However, I think both Ann and I could agree that we both would enjoy seeing the super-sized-senator burst into flame and then crash into the ground and burn a la the Hindenberg."


Not questioned for comment, Ms Coulter did not say:


"Wow, the Conservative UAW Guy disagreed with me?
If a union guy that is that hot and that smart disagrees with me, I will need to rethink my position.
Call me CUG, and we can discuss this, and many other positions as well. Afterwards, I will make you a sandwich and buy you a new gun."


The CUG, who is EXTREMELY (and happily :)) married to a wonderful woman who reads his blog with moderate regularity, was quoted as saying:


"Yeh, I get that all the time.
But, I will have to pass.
Please just leave a comment on my blogsite, Ann."


Ted Kennedy was quoted as saying:


"Mmmfff blrgle grscp blarg!"


Damn Ted, lose the sandwich first! This is for CUG Headline News for Pete's sake!

Copyright 2005-1,00,001 AD CUG Headline News