Friday, April 23, 2010

Fun Facts About Trees

Our plant (where I am employed), timely as it always is, is having its Earth Day shindig this week.
(I know, it's late).

This involves giving tours to school-kids to show them how earth-friendly GM is, to counteract all the crap their (mostly) dirty-hippie-tree-hugging teachers tell them the rest of the year in school.
A couple of hours to counteract years of brainwashing.


The auto-industry spends like 8 gazillion-trillion dollars a year on environmental stuff, so leftists can bash them anyway and call them heartless, evil, polluting, capitalistic corporate giants.

So in honor of the belated Earth Day, I present you some fun facts about our enemies friends, trees. Don't forget to check out last year's Earth Day facts about the Earth!!!

Ok, here are the facts:

My grandfather was killed by a tree; another reason I want them eradicated.
Stoopid trees.

Trees are gay.
See how their leaves swish in the wind?

Trees leave stumps, which is insensitive to amputees.

It is a fact that trees have killed more people in the last 2 days than all the guns in my whole extended family combined (more than 2 guns, I'm pretty sure; total of 0 casualties).

Toothpicks are manufactured from trees!!!

Keebler elves live in a tree.
I hate elves.
Stoopid elves.

Monkeys live in trees.
I hate monkeys.
Monkeys are so stupid they spell monkeys "monkeys" instead of "monkies".
Stoopid monkeys.

Trees harbor squirrels, who are known communist sympathizers.
Especially RED ones.
They are also annoying, and anger my dogs.
Stoopid squirrels.

Squirrel monkeys are the worst of both worlds (Evil monkeys and squirrels).
Holy crap!! What if they were elfin squirrel monkeys that smoked pot!?!?!?
Where's my gun?

Trees can be fashioned into weapons, like spears, pikes, rolling-pins, and bats.
The number of deaths caused by these evil implements is uncountable.
Uhhhh....because there are so many of them.
We need more wood control!!!
(Heh. I said wood control.)

(I will grant, however, that bats, pikes, and spears are useful for beating and impaling hippies, commies, and Marxists. But we should use iron and aluminum implements instead.
Me working in a metal foundry has nothing to do with this opinion...)

Trees are generally tall, and that pi**es me off, as I like being the tallest one around.
The nerve of them!!!

All trees are evil,

and generally consort with flying monkeys

(but not a Flying Space Monkey!).

Trees are green, which is the same color as money.
Money is bad, and a product of capitalism.
Capitalism is bad, and is a product of greed.
Greed is bad; because it leads to innovation and creativity, to enable people to get stuff (consumerism is bad, too!).
This is irrefutable proof hippies are hypocrites, or they would be out burning down trees right now, and demanding tax increases to fund Federal Deforestation Squads (FDS).
Stoopid hippies.

But wait! There can be good that comes out of bad.
A silver lining, if you will.
Trees are made out of wood.
If you kill a tree by chopping it down and let it dry, you can start a fire with it.
With the fire, you can burn a pile of hippies.
This reduces the hippie population, and also makes the planet warmer.
This makes for longer summers, and more good shooting weather!!!
We call this a win-win-win-win-win-win situation (I think; I sort of lost count of all the goodness!).

I hope this helps you plan for the next Earth Day, and I hope Gaia is happy, too.
Stoopid gay Gaia.

Happy belated Earth Day, yo!!
And many more to you!! :)

This is a reposting of my '06 Earth Day post.