Monday, July 10, 2006

Wal-Martiquette

One of the towns nearby just had a new Wal-Mart Super Center open up (another one is forthcoming in another town close to me).
The old one is being destroyed as we speak.
Mmmmmm....parking....

Now I know, I'm a union guy, so I'm supposed to hate Wal-Mart.
And I do, in some ways.
They don't pay some of their workers enough, and there are some questionable business practices here and there, too.

If it is any consolation, I quit shopping at K-Mart when they quit selling handgun ammo.
Seriously.
Bastards.

And Wal-Mart may be next, but not for the reasons the UAW may proffer.

I was not pleased with my fellow man on this excursion.
Here are the notes I compiled on my trip to the New and Improved Wal-Mart:

1. Unless you are wearing a 3-piece suit and have a curly-cable ear-piece, take the sunglasses off at the door. It isn't that bright in there, and you don't look that bright wearing sunglass inside, either.

Wearing sunglasses in a rural Wal-Mart positively screams douchebag.

Or homo.

Your choice.

2. Yes, I know your are young and think you are pretty,
but I didn't come to shop at Whore-Mart.
I'm at Wal-Mart.
Please dress accordingly.

3. Speaking of ladies of questionable repute, I think that if you are tattooed, 6 or 7 months pregnant, obviously high, have questionable hygiene, and are sluttily dressed, you should probably forgo speaking loudly to some guy in the aisle about how you can't shave your monkey, because it is too hairy and you get all cut up.

Especially when children are within earshot.

We already figured you were a filthy animal; you don't need to remove all doubt about that in public.

Sheesh. And they told me there was NEVER an excuse to hit a woman...

4. Speaking of tattoos, girls, let me offer you this little tidbit:
Tattoos are kind of cute when you're young, but I want you to do something first, before you make the decision.

Go to Wal-Mart (or wherever), and look at the older ladies and their tattoos.
That's what they are going to look like on you someday.
Don't they look cool?
Nuff said.

5. And now a note to parents: If you dress up your 6 to 15 old girls like hookers, porn stars and Britney Spears, and drag them through Wal-Mart, you should go to prison.

They are not 28.
They're freakin' kids.

Are you actually TRYING to find kidnappers, stalkers, and child molesters by trolling for them with your offspring as bait, or are you just that f**king stupid and amoral.

Either way, when I'm in charge, you have an ass-whupping of biblical proportions coming.

There should be a law that you can bitch-slap X number of people a month, if they are deserving.
And before some liberal whines, "But who will decide who is deserving?!?!!?", allow me to answer that: ME.
That would be the only fair way.

To be continued....