Friday, December 08, 2006

France 24: Commie Du Jour

So, the Frogs are going on-air with an international news station:
Jacques Chirac's dream of a global TV news network á la française, to counter Anglo-Saxon global media dominance, becomes reality tonight as France launches a bilingual 24-hour news service.
Those dang Anglo-Saxons! (Does that mean "Jooooooos!"?)

Of course, being the superior news network you have come to expect, C-U-G Headline News has uncovered mucho information about the new "all frogs all the time" network (France 24).

Here we have a picture of the station's new transmitter tower, surreptitiously taken by ace reporter, American patriot, and gun nut, jimmyb:

Additionally, here is a leaked memo containing possible French News Tag-Lines:

Like MSNBC, only smellier.

Watch us! We hate America almost as much at the American MSN and universities!!

All the Leftism that's fit to air.

Now with more condescension and snooty looks!

Don't hit us, we give!

If you can find news reports that sound any gayer, watch them.

We can hire Melissa Theuriau, and you can't.

After some intense research, we have uncovered these Fun Facts about France 24:

It smokes.

John Kerry, a major shareholder, will christen France 24 by breaking a bottle of over-rated, over-priced wine on it. He will then slander American troops.
(Go to college kids or you'll end up dead on a beach in Normandy!)

The resulting crash of glass will send 3/4 of the population running.
Alert level: Cower (sniveling optional).

It's called France 24 because the French government is hoping to steal some ratings from curious "24" fans. Jack Bauer will probably punch them in the face later.

There are plans for a new French alternative life-style show called "Cheesy-Poofs".

It has a competitively priced subscription fee, and is totally free for Germans and angry Muslims.

A plan is already in place to appease, and then surrender to, the al-Jazeer Network.

It has a little white flag waving in the bottom left-hand corner.

AccuFire 3000 Doppler Unrest-Radar - Gives hourly updates for the latest information on burning cars and buildings, as well as up-to-the-minute info on roving gangs of rioting Muslim youths.

The Sharia Hour of Power Show!

Guest op-eds by Pepe LePew. (Heh. Le cool.)

First week: 20 minute op-ed piece on why soap control/registration is imperative to national safety. (Of course, we all know this will lead to soap confiscation over there...)

Coming attractions:
30 week series on pre-emptive surrendering.
30 minute true French crime show with Inspector Cleuseau.
30 second show on French military victories.
3 second show on how to be polite.
0.3 second show on bathing.

Look for the new show France's Most Wanted: Featuring John Kerry and Jerry Lewis.

When signing off, instead of waving goodbye with one hand like the stupid Americans, they will sign off by raising both hands. Very high, and very slowly...

Looks like a win-win, folks.
I hope this report was insightful for you.
Just doing my part to culturefy the masses.
I feel so Euro now.

Diversitudiness, thy name is CUG.