Friday, July 25, 2008

Too Funny

This one deserves to be read in its entirety. It's a little disturbing too.

July 25, 2008
He ventured forth to bring light to the world
The anointed one's pilgrimage to the Holy Land is a miracle in action - and a blessing to all his faithful followers

Gerard Baker

And it came to pass, in the eighth year of the reign of the evil Bush
the Younger (The Ignorant), when the whole land from the Arabian desert to the
shores of the Great Lakes had been laid barren, that a Child appeared in the

The Child was blessed in looks and intellect. Scion of a simple family,
offspring of a miraculous union, grandson of a typical white person and an
African peasant. And yea, as he grew, the Child walked in the path of
righteousness, with only the occasional detour into the odd weed and a little

When he was twelve years old, they found him in the temple in the City
of Chicago, arguing the finer points of community organisation with the Prophet
Jeremiah and the Elders. And the Elders were astonished at what they heard and
said among themselves: “Verily, who is this Child that he opens our hearts and
minds to the audacity of hope?”

In the great Battles of Caucus and Primary he smote the conniving
Hillary, wife of the deposed King Bill the Priapic and their barbarian hordes of
Working Class Whites.

And so it was, in the fullness of time, before the harvest month of the
appointed year, the Child ventured forth - for the first time - to bring the
light unto all the world.

He travelled fleet of foot and light of camel, with a small retinue
that consisted only of his loyal disciples from the tribe of the Media. He
ventured first to the land of the Hindu Kush, where the Taleban had harboured
the viper of al-Qaeda in their bosom, raining terror on all the world.
the Child spake and the tribes of Nato immediately loosed the Caveats that had
previously bound them. And in the great battle that ensued the forces of the
light were triumphant. For as long as the Child stood with his arms raised
aloft, the enemy suffered great blows and the threat of terror was no more.

From there he went forth to Mesopotamia where he was received by the
great ruler al-Maliki, and al-Maliki spake unto him and blessed his Sixteen
Month Troop Withdrawal Plan even as the imperial warrior Petraeus tried to
destroy it.

And lo, in Mesopotamia, a miracle occurred. Even though the Great Surge
of Armour that the evil Bush had ordered had been a terrible mistake, a waste of
vital military resources and doomed to end in disaster, the Child's very
presence suddenly brought forth a great victory for the forces of the light.

And the Persians, who saw all this and were greatly fearful, longed to
speak with the Child and saw that the Child was the bringer of peace. At the
mention of his name they quickly laid aside their intrigues and beat their
uranium swords into civil nuclear energy ploughshares.

From there the Child went up to the city of Jerusalem, and entered through the gate seated on an ass. The crowds of network anchors who had followed him from afar cheered “Hosanna” and waved great palm fronds and strewed them at his feet.

In Jerusalem and in surrounding Palestine, the Child spake to the
Hebrews and the Arabs, as the Scripture had foretold. And in an instant, the
lion lay down with the lamb, and the Israelites and Ishmaelites ended their long
enmity and lived for ever after in peace.

As word spread throughout the land about the Child's wondrous works, peoples from all over flocked to hear him; Hittites and Abbasids; Obamacons and McCainiacs; Cameroonians and Blairites.

And they told of strange and wondrous things that greeted the news of
the Child's journey. Around the world, global temperatures began to decline, and
the ocean levels fell and the great warming was over.

The Great Prophet Algore of Nobel and Oscar, who many had believed was
the anointed one, smiled and told his followers that the Child was the one
generations had been waiting for.

And there were other wonderful signs. In the city of the Street at the
Wall, spreads on interbank interest rates dropped like manna from Heaven and
rates on credit default swaps fell to the ground as dead birds from the almond
tree, and the people who had lived in foreclosure were able to borrow again.

Black gold gushed from the ground at prices well below $140 per barrel.
In hospitals across the land the sick were cured even though they were
uninsured. And all because the Child had pronounced it.

And this is the testimony of one who speaks the truth and bears witness
to the truth so that you might believe. And he knows it is the truth for he saw
it all on CNN and the BBC and in the pages of The New York Times.

Then the Child ventured forth from Israel and Palestine and stepped
onto the shores of the Old Continent. In the land of Queen Angela of Merkel,
vast multitudes gathered to hear his voice, and he preached to them at length.

But when he had finished speaking his disciples told him the crowd was
hungry, for they had had nothing to eat all the hours they had waited for him.
And so the Child told his disciples to fetch some food but all they had was
five loaves and a couple of frankfurters. So he took the bread and the
frankfurters and blessed them and told his disciples to feed the multitudes. And
when all had eaten their fill, the scraps filled twelve baskets.

Thence he travelled west to Mount Sarkozy. Even the beauteous Princess
Carla of the tribe of the Bruni was struck by awe and she was great in love with
the Child, but he was tempted not.

On the Seventh Day he walked across the Channel of the Angles to the
ancient land of the hooligans. There he was welcomed with open arms by the once
great prophet Blair and his successor, Gordon the Leper, and his successor,
David the Golden One.

And suddenly, with the men appeared the archangel Gabriel and the whole
host of the heavenly choir, ranks of cherubim and seraphim, all praising God and
singing: “Yes, We Can.”

And the crowd said, Amen.