Wednesday, August 26, 2009

Teh Swimmer Finally Goes Up the Creek

Sans paddle, of course.

POOR TASTE ALERT!! Read at you own risk.

Results and observations regarding the passing of Ted “The Swimmer” Kennedy:

Parents with young daughters are sleeping a little better

Gun owners are sleeping a little better now.

There is a consensus amongst scientists that global warming will decrease as the Swimmer’s mass dissipates, and lessens the gravitational field of the planet, thereby sucking in less light (and thus energy) from the sun and stars.

Hell will weight eleventy-jillion more pounds. (Or 4.989516ty-jillion more kilograms for you Euro-weenies).

The Secret Service announced that Michael Moore and Rosie O'donnel will NOT be allowed to attend the services, as NASA has calculated an overwhelming probablility that their combined gravitational fields would cause a singularity.

There is one less bloviating, statist, Big Brotherish, CFR loving, commie rat on the planet. Just a few more billion to go.

There is one less bloviating two-faced, expedient, rabid-pro-abortionite and bloody-handed lawyer on the planet:

"While the deep concern of a woman bearing an unwanted child merits consideration and sympathy, it is my personal feeling that the legalization of abortion on demand is not in accordance with the value which our civilization places on human life. Wanted or unwanted, I believe that human life, even at its earliest stages, has certain rights which must be recognizedthe right to be born, the right to love, the right to grow old. (Fats Kennedy, back in the day, possibly before he sold his soul)

Way to hold your ground, killer. You became the poster-boy for beta-male feminazis and baby-killers.

The State of Massachusetts’ IQ average just went up 7 points.

The whiskey industry will now require a bailout, due to an unprecedented and abrupt reduction in demand.

The Twinkie and pork-rind industries may not be far behind.

Rumor has it that in his will Kennedy asked to be buried at sea for two reasons. One, for the ultimate ironic effect, and two so they could blame the massive rise in sea levels on global warming.

Hippies, Commies, Abortionists and Marxists wept.

In closing, I would like to dedicate this Grim Reaper tune to old Teddles. I think this is appropriate because Grim Reaper's lead singer is overweight, like Ted - and Grim Reaper is cheesy, sucks ass, and is a symbol of old-school suckassitudiness, like Ted. Additionally, their careers are now in comparable positions.

Good riddance, douchewad. You are the epitome of all that is wrong and evil in Washington. It's a just a damn shame you couldn't have taken 50 or 60 of your friends with you.

I'll pray for Ted's family, and I'll pray for Ted's soul (really), but I have serious doubts about the effectiveness in doing so (really).

And please spare me your bitching in the comments; this is the toned-down, friendly version of my thoughts; if you didn't come down on Ted Rall, I don't want to hear it.