Tuesday, May 31, 2005

Please Don't Kill Me... I Love You!

Filthy-terrorist's killing-machine.
(Click on Jake for a better view!)
Posted by Hello

Where are the PETA freaks when you need them?
They are strangely silent.
Maybe they just like animals that kill puppies, retarded people and innocent civilians better than they like the dogs themselves.
From The Australian:

Explosives attached to a dog

From correspondents in Kirkuk

IRAQ insurgents attached explosives to a dog today in a bid to bomb a military convoy near the northern oil centre of Kirkuk but the animal was the only casualty, police said.

The insurgents wrapped an explosive belt around the dog's body and detonated it as the convoy passed through Dakuk, 40km south of Kirkuk, the town's police chief Colonel Mohammed Barzaji said.

"The dog was torn apart by the explosion which caused neither injury among the soldiers nor any damage," said Barzaji, adding that the bomb had been detonated outside a Shiite mosque.

"Eight suspects have been detained," he said.

It is not the first time that animals have been used in insurgent attacks. In 2003, donkey carts were used to conceal makeshift multiple rocket launchers in a flurry of attacks in Baghdad.

Animal carcasses and even human corpses have also been used to conceal explosives.

What's next? Bunnies and baby ducks?
Oh, wait. This is the religion of peace people that straps bombs on retarded kids.
(A handicapped child was used to carry out a suicide attack on a polling site.)
I guess kittens and puppies are screwed.

Here is a transcript secretly recorded by CUG Headline News, involving Akmed, Mohammed, and Spot...

Here boy, here boy! Want to kill some Americans and peaceful, freedom-loving Iraqis?


How would you like to be famous and have 72 bitches in heat at your beck and call?

Arf-arf!!! *pants heavily*

*whispering* Uh, you forgot to tell him he would be dead.

Bah. A minor detail in the grand scheme of murdering the great Satan! Besides, we have run out of retarded children! We can't seem to talk the ADD and dyslexic kids into martyrdom like we can the Down's-Syndrome ones.
Beside, OTHER people need to martyr, not me.

We're not completely out of tards. Your brother is still living in Fallujah.

Shut your pie-hole, Mohammed.


Can you get the dog to run to the Americans?

You fool! Of course I can. Americans love dogs because Americans are weak, spineless pussies. They will want to pet him, and give him snacks. The dogs know this, and will naturally go toward them. Dogs can sense who is good and kind.

Is that why Spot is peeing on your sandals right now?

D'oh! For that you shall die, you filthy beast!

You were going to kill him anyway.

Silence! You like these filthy animals, don't you?

Well, I mean, look at his big, brown eyes. And how he wags his tail when I talk to him. And he's really friendly, at least to me anyway. (Thasss a goood boyyyyy!)

You are a traitor!!! *cuts Mohammed's head off*


Stupid traitors.
Here Spot. C'mon boy, I got you a brand-new vest!


Well there you have it.
Another CUG Headline News exclusive secret report, from an anonymous source.

What's that? I shouldn't judge other societies and religions, right?
But what if they kill puppies?
Then that justifies a nuclear response!!!
The Conservative UAW Guy has spoken!

What, you don't think we should nuke puppy killers?
Do you hate puppies? Why, I think you do! Do you want to be nuked, too?

Don't make me nuke you, because I will if I have to.

Stoopid puppy haters.

By the way - Please refrain from leaving comments that all this bad press in concocted by the Joooos.
I have already heard it all. The Jews do not bomb puppies and retards.


Monday, May 30, 2005

Thank You...

Thank you for your service and sacrafices.
Our prayers are with you and you families.
Please visit Cox and Forkum for more great cartoons.
Posted by Hello

Thursday, May 26, 2005

Note Heavy Sarcasm.

The Dark Heart of Conservativism (that's me on the right! CUG).
(Click on image for a better look.)
This is a thermographic image taken with a special (i.e. $45,000) camera
that is designed to show heat images for use in industry.
(Auto companies get all the cool stuff!)
Lighter, brighter colors indicate more heat, darker colors, approaching black,
indicate an absence of heat.
Note the ice-cold area where the conservative's heart is supposed to be.
Proof at last, of what we all already knew.
CUG Posted by Hello

Stupid Republicrats.

(Click on the cartoon to see full size.)
This is what we are going to have to deal with now.
Thanks McCain and DeWine. You both suck.
By the way Mikey (DeWine), I get to vote against you next time.

Thanks to, and please visit:
Cox and Forkum Posted by Hello

Wednesday, May 25, 2005

Like You Needed Another Reason.

Another reason not to buy Newsweak.
This is the February 2, 2005 Japanese edition of Newsweak.
Hat Tip - Little Green Footballs.

Here is a translation of the large text, white and yellow, respectively:

The Day America Died
The ideal of ‘freedom’ falls to the ground due to Bush continuing in office.”

(Thanks to Rick Adams for the translation.)

Nothing like a little American flag desecration to sell magazines.
With friends like Newsweak...

Posted by Hello

Sunday, May 22, 2005

Democratic Underground Infiltrates Russia!

Once again, the imperialistic, evil, stupid-yet-crafty Americans strike without warning or provocation. They are probably shipping the water they stole to Haliburton, to use to dismantle Social Security.

See the story here: Russian Villagers Blame US as Lake Disappears.
" A Russian village was left baffled Thursday after its lake disappeared overnight, Reuters reported Friday. Though there is probably a perfectly natural explanation, some of the villagers were quick to blame the disaster on the United States.

Officials in Nizhegorodskaya region, on the Volga river east of Moscow, said water in the lake might have been sucked down into an underground water-course or cave system, but some villagers had more sinister explanations.

I am thinking, well, America has finally got to us,” said one old woman, as she sat on the ground outside her house. "

WOW! Apparently they didn't get the DU memo about tinfoil hats!
Why do Russian peasants think we give a rat's butt about the village of Bolotnikovo?
Are they a strategic military target? Do they have oil? Beer? A big sling-shot?
I certainly have never heard of it. Talk about arrogant.

Maybe they just read Newsweak and watch C-BS. I can see the headlines now:

Russians Riot Over Lost Lake.
Water to be used to finance tax cuts for the American rich.
Bush laughs evil laugh and says, "Screw those Russian poor people. Muhahahah!"
(Source: Anonymous Filthy-Leftist-Hippy)
by Jayson Blair

This morning, fisherman and dirt farmers awoke to another disturbing sign of American evil. Their whole lake had been sucked dry.

I interviewed a vodka-soaked official to get the story.

Blair: The Americans did this, right? Right?

Red: Uh, huh? Oh, no. You have vodka, yes?

Blair: He said yes!!! Woo-hoo! Another exclusive!

(Oh yeah, get Michael Isikoff to edit this.)

Finished product:

Q: ...Americans did this...

A: ...yes...

Another victory for American journalism. Dang lake stealing imperialists.

Uhh, courage...


Yes, dear...

Much like the Conservative UAW Guy,
Leo knows who the boss is, too.
(Heh, heh... I mean that in a good way, too, Honey!)Posted by Hello

Saturday, May 21, 2005

Ann Speaks.

Ann Coulter has some observations on the Newsweak debacle
As usual, they are quite good, and funny as well.

This quote kind of says it all:

"Somehow Newsweek missed the story a few weeks ago about Saudi Arabia arresting 40 Christians for "trying to spread their poisonous religious beliefs." But give the American media a story about American interrogators defacing the Quran, and journalists are so appalled there's no time for fact-checking — before they dash off to see the latest exhibition of "Piss Christ.""
FYI, the P### Christ was an "art" piece by Andres Serrano that was a photogragh that consisted of a crucifix (not just a cross) with Jesus on it, submerged in a jar of urine and cow's blood.
This is how liberals show tolerance and acceptance of cultures they disdain and don't understand. They laugh and say how sophisticated it is.
I wonder how they would react to a Koran in the toilet. Shock and anger, perhaps?
That's another reason I like Ann. She's topical and never forgets stuff (that picture was from 1989).

I hope I run in to Andres sometime, so we can have a beer and an open friendly discussion. I love wacky artists! So do my dogs!!!!

Ann's essay is quite good, I recommend clicking over to it. Of course, Ann's site is always available in my sidebar, too.


Friday, May 20, 2005


If there is no God,
then who the hell made this?

Accident, my tush!
Click on the actual picture for a better view.
It is way cool.
Courtesy of the Hubble Telescope. Posted by Hello

Thursday, May 19, 2005

Condi Rocks.

Dr. Rice speaks to Larry King.

Read the whole Yahoo article here:

Rice: Gun Rights Important As Free Speech.

The title says it all!

Here are some of Condi's quotes and article excerpts (I can call her Condi because we're so close):

In an interview on CNN's "Larry King Live," Rice said she came to that view from personal experience. She said her father, a black minister, and his friends armed themselves to defend the black community in Birmingham, Ala., against the White Knight Riders in 1962 and 1963. She said if local authorities had had lists of registered weapons, she did not think her father and other blacks would have been able to defend themselves.

"I also don't think we get to pick and choose from the Constitution," she said in the interview, which was taped for airing Wednesday night. "The Second Amendment is as important as the First Amendment."

Pretty profound. And it makes sense.

Therefore, I, as president of CUG Headline News, now proclaim all anti-gun, pro-gun control-people are racists! Yes, just like that!
Ha! Hitler!! You fascists!!! You racist hatey-hate-haters!
(Wow. That really is easier than coming up with a reasoned argument, just play the Hitler card.)

Of course, there really is no reasoned, legitimate argument to ban guns anyway. That's why people lie and make up statistics about the wonderful magical properties of gun control.

Here are some scenarios that I foresee occurring in the near future:

Scene 1

We should register all guns, just like we register cars.

Scene 2
Hate-filled Lefty:
We just want common-sense gun-control.
Hey David Duke, where's your hood?

Scene 3
Ted Kennedy:
You should have to show ID to buy bullets.
You mean cartridges, dumbass. You Brown-shirt!!! Little Eichman!!

Scene 4
Chuck Shumer:
We need a national gun-owner's ID card.
You're an anti-Semite! Where are your jackboots?!?!

Scene 5
Hillary Clinton:
Women should never be allowed to shoot rapists. They should put their keys in their fists and smack them.

(Sorry, Rush! You know I'm kidding. ;) )
In all honesty and seriousness, I think the last two groups that would ever want to be disarmed by anyone, especially their government, would be the blacks and the Jews.
Yet curiously, a majority of them vote for rabid anti-gunners on a regular basis.

Perhaps food for thought...

An Aside:

Dear PC police,

Here in corn country, it is still ok to say black when referring to black people, as opposed to whatever the PC descriptor du jour is.
Don't worry, I talked to a sister (or is it sista?) today and she told me it was "all good", and "word up"!

Thanks, Denise !!! :)

Word, indeed.


Wednesday, May 18, 2005

Sick em': A Precision Guided Humor Assignment

Precision Guided Humor Assignment:

What are the next steps America should take in dealing with Communist China?

11. Tell them, "All the other murderous, oppressive, godless, dictatorial regimes are playing nice with us. So, what the hell's wrong with you?"

10. Shut down all the Asian porn sites. This will collapse their economy in about 8.4 seconds.

9. Rub their nose in their own nukes, smack them on the nose with a rolled-up newspaper and say loudly, in a stern voice, "Bad, Chinese, Bad!"

8. Get the traitorous Clintons to sell them additional nuclear missile technology that will blow-up on the pad or by our remote control, instead of selling them state-of-the-art missile and guidance technology that can blow up Americans, like they did before.
(Dear Jesus, IF China or Korea lobs a nuke, please let Hollywood get hit first, whilst Billazabub and Hitlary at a smarmy, elitist Hollywood fundraiser. Amen.)

7. Open up more Chinese restaurants in the Midwest. They've gotta run out of people to ship over here sometime!

6. Send Jet Li over there to totally kick their asses.
(I would say just give them a "time out" in the corner, but we know that crap doesn't work.)

5. Send Donald Rumsfeld over there to strangle them (with apologies to FrankJ).

4. Develop a super-strain of bacteria that only attacks and destroys chopsticks, then subsequently hold the supply of forks, and the necessary training to use them, over their heads.

3. Have GM ship an assload more factories over there to turn them into smiling, conservative UAW workers (they do have the UAW in China, right?). Stoopid GM.

2. Tell them Taiwan got a hold of some bad Chinese food, and now it stinks really, really bad so they won't want it anymore.

1. Ship them a big crate that says RICE on it. When they open it up, Condi jumps out wearing an I Heart Freedom shirt, and whoops all of them with articulate, freedom-loving PhD kung-fu!! Hi-ya!
We then turn them into a capitalistic, democratic-republic/Christian-theocracy, with the CUG as benevolent dictator. (Good Lord! You can't just dive into democracy headfirst! They're not ready for it yet! Heh).

I am also open to other suggestions. Put them in the comments, if you are so inclined.


Tuesday, May 17, 2005

Ya Don't Say.

Funny headline.

No offense, but this is not news. (Must be a slow news day).

Menstrual Cycle May Alter Brain Chemistry

Now the chemicals involved may be news, but the premise has been known for millenia...

(Love you sweetie!!! Heh...).


Monday, May 16, 2005

Yeah, It's Real.

Unbelievable. *sigh*

United Poultry Concerns Proudly Announces

International Respect for Chickens Day

Wednesday May 4, 2005

Here's an excerpt:

"Please do an ACTION for chickens on May 4. Show the world that chickens are people too! Ideas:

  • Write a letter/op-ed to the editor
  • Get on a radio talk show
  • Table at your local mall
  • Arrange a library display/video presentation
  • Have a Respect for Chickens Day celebration at your school
  • Leaflet at a busy street corner/ your local university
  • Have a We-Don’t-Eat-Our-Feathered-Friends Vegan Party!
  • Show Chicken Run!!!"

Can I add some CUGgster ideas, too?

  • Wear a chicken suit and beat people going into KFC with a "Meat Is Murder" sign.
  • Try to convince someone with an IQ above 46 or over 8 years old that "chickens are people, too."
  • Have a We-Don’t-Eat-Our-Feathered-Friends-(Today!)-Because-We're-Eating-This-Tasty-Cow-and-Pig-Party! (Puppy smoothies optional).
    • Go to a unionized chicken factory and tell the Teamsters at the door your mission and why they suck for being part of the global corporate industrial/military chicken killing machine. You have my personal guarantee they will thank you and quit their evil jobs immediately.
    • Start a class at your local university to study and promote Constitutional and civil rights for chickens. Any dirty-hippy professor would be glad to help you. (Just don't push for rights for the egg!! The hippies and Chickens for Choice will be all over your ass!).
    • Knock on my door with some pro-chicken literature so I can bitch-slap you right before I sick my cat and 2 dogs on you.
    Here's the homepage for the I-live-with-my-Mom-at-home-and-I'm-in-my-40's activists, ooops, I mean Chicken Lovers.

    This is from their homepage:

    • United Poultry Concerns is a 501(c)(3) national non-profit organization that addresses the treatment of domestic fowl in food production, science, education, entertainment, and human companionship situations.
    Uhhh, companionship? EEWWWWWWW!

    I need to find a bunch of suckers to exploit, too.

    Oh, yeah. Dang.
    Stooopid conscience!


    Sunday, May 15, 2005



    What's the hottest thing you can imagine Ann Coulter and Michelle Malkin doing together?


    Both of them are wearing long, black Supreme Court robes and ruling on the 2nd Amendment, Roe vs Wade, and states rights!


    Saturday, May 14, 2005


    Think about the Christians you see on TV.
    You see them all the time.

    Think of the movies and TV shows. Seven, Carrie, Law and Order, American Beauty.
    Serial killers, child molesters, closet-homosexual bigots, murderers, perverts, dirty dancing sticks-in-the-mud, evil, small-minded, ignorant uneducated, semi-toothed, Enquirer reading, trailer-dwelling hill-jacks, right?
    There are some good portrayals in media, but they are far out-weighed by the bad ones.
    Many think this is not too far off the mark, right?
    I was somewhat in that camp myself. Until I looked at the reality around me.

    Now think about the Christians you really know in real life. How similar are they to these stereotypes? Some, much, none? Right. You can find an example of anything if you look hard enough, but overall, not a bad bunch of people.

    Think about it.

    Pay attention to how Christians are portrayed when you watch TV and movies, or read MSM magazines and news-papers. Are we the dangerous fringe-dwellers they make us out to be?
    You look for stuff right now regarding bad portrayals of minorities and protected status groups.
    The media makes it look like Christians are one big, organized group out to take over the country. There are few less disorganized group, as far as I can tell.
    And talk about diversity of peoples and opinions in a group! Wow!

    See what prejudices you can spot in the media regarding this diverse group. Does the media match reality?

    Yeh, I know. Not funny. Just a rant, as I tire of being pigeon-holed.


    Friday, May 13, 2005

    I Wanna Be Deep When I Grow Up, Too.

    "The shepherd drives the wolf from the sheep's for which the sheep thanks the shepherd as his liberator, while the wolf denounces him for the same act as the destroyer of liberty.
    Plainly, the sheep and the wolf are not agreed upon a definition of liberty."
    Abraham Lincoln
    Stoopid wolves! (Any parallels today, kids?)

    Dear Jesus,

    Please buy Abe a beer for me, because he rocks. Thank you.



    Imagine That!

    Once again, the CBS eye needs a sharp stick poked in it. I heard this quote on the news, and thought, "Wow, I wouldn't expect that from Ken Starr. He must know something I don't."

    Oooops. Guess I should have looked at the source. At least the BS part is right in their name.

    From Rush Limbaugh:

    CBS Lied: Ken Starr Taken Out of Context

    ...CBS ran this bite within the context of saying that Starr's comments had to do with the Republicans triggering the nuclear option, and they ran this as his thoughts on that.

    STARR: This is a radical, radical departure from our history and from our traditions, and it amounts to an assault on the judicial branch of government. It may prove to have the kind of long-term boomerang effect, damage on the institution of the Senate that thoughtful senators may come to regret.

    C-BS News edited this to look like Starr was talking about the so-called "Nuclear Option" of doing away with the ability to filibuster judicial nominees (a good thing to do away with), and allowing a straight up or down vote.

    Democrats don't like the fact that this is using a democratic process to pick judges, and they also object to the use of the word "straight".

    Here is Starr's email to Ramesh Ponnuru at National Review Online:

    "In the piece that I have now seen, and which I gather is being lavishly quoted, CBS employed two snippets. The 'radical departure' snippet was specifically addressed — although this is not evidenced whatever from the clip — to the practice of invoking judicial philosopy as a grounds for voting against a qualified nominee of integrity and experience. I said in sharp language that that practice was wrong. I contrasted the current practice . . . with what occurred during Ruth Ginsburg's nomination process, as numerous Republicans voted (rightly) to confirm a former ACLU staff lawyer. They disagreed with her positions as a lawyer, but they voted (again, rightly) to confirm her. Why? Because elections, like ideas, have consequences. . . . In the interview, I did indeed suggest, and have suggested elsewhere, that caution and prudence be exercised (Burkean that I am) in shifting/modifying rules (that's the second snippet), but I likewise made clear that the 'filibuster' represents an entirely new use (and misuse) of a venerable tradition. . . .

    "[O]ur friends are way off base in assuming that the CBS snippets, as used, represent (a) my views, or (b) what I in fact said."

    Folks, this is not a minor oopsy. This is a deliberate, on-going attempt to smear Republicans and conservatives AGAIN!
    Has CBS no shame?
    Is there no culpability here?
    Is this even legal?
    Did Michael Moore do the editing?
    Can I bitch-slap the producer?
    All legitimate questions...

    Why does C-BS even have a viewer-ship anymore?
    Must be Ted Rall and Satan keeping them in business.


    Rush Limbaugh

    National Review Online

    View the C-BS Video here.



    Funny. 'Nuff said.

    Right Hand of God site.

    (Like FOX News, but with less pandering and more smiting.)

    These guys are good...

    See the whole list here:

    What are the next steps that America should take in dealing with Iran?

    A few of my faves:

    Point out the folly of them waging war on America, when France is just
    sitting there waiting to surrender.

    Quietly cough to bring attention to all our guns.

    Tell them that North Korea said Allah was gay.



    Thursday, May 12, 2005

    Mess With the Pook, Get the Teeth!

    "Go ahead, hippy.
    Make my day!!!"

    (Click on above picture for a better look at the anti-hippy-hound) Posted by Hello

    Wednesday, May 11, 2005

    Cool Quote

    “Good people sleep peaceably in their beds at night only because rough men stand ready to do violence on their behalf.” -- George Orwell

    Amen, George, Amen...

    It's a Miracle That He Knows That!

    FLASH! CUG Headline News FLASH!

    (Relapsed soon thereafter...)

    Senate Minority Leader Harry Reid miraculously had a moment of clarity, albeit one immersed in wishful thinking.

    Reid said,
    "I would like to think a miracle would happen and we would pick up five seats this time," he said during a floor debate over the filibusters of President Bush's judicial nominees. "I guess miracles never cease."

    Brian Nick, the cool National Republican Senatorial Committee spokesman, said,
    "Senator Reid can do the math: A Democratic Party, plus no ideas, plus obstruction, plus over-the-top partisan rhetoric equals continued minority."
    Well said, Brian.

    Reid was immediately chastised by his party for displaying the remotest hint that perhaps a real higher power exists.

    CUG Headline news spoke to an unnamed asshat, on the condition of anonymity:

    "How does the left feel about Reid's remarks? The neo-cons seem to like them."
    Hate-filled Lefty:

    "While we agree it might take an act of Persephone or Zeus to win back a majority, Mr. Reid has no business using the "M" word. And he used it twice!
    What about separation of church and state, and separation of church and everything else, and separation of church? It's in the constitution, you know. People might start to think the party believes in something other than hedonism and Hillary and Bill. He is getting away from our pagan and atheistic roots."

    "Separation of church and state is not in the constitution, by the way."
    "Yes it is!"
    "No, it is not. I have a copy of the US Constitution. There is even a link to it on the CUG site. You guys just keep saying that because you know people will believe it if you say it often enough."
    "Uhhhhhh.... YOU'RE HITLER!"
    "Wow. Can't argue that logic. Let's continue.
    What's the problem with your minority leader stating the truth? I mean, you guys have about as much chance of regaining the Senate as I have being elected Shop Chairman of the union at my plant."
    "Well, for one, we aren't real big on the truth here in the Lefty-Land. It gets in the way of our agendas.
    Also, the word miracle has connotations of the god of ignorant, small-minded, bigoted Christians and the evil, world-dominating Joooos. We already have several evil Jooos in congress, and the only reason we keep most of them around is because they are now socialists and commies.
    You know, Boxer, Schumer, all the good gun-grabbers.
    Except for maybe Joe Leiberman, him being our token conservative Jooo. You know how hard it is to convince Jooos to vote anti-Semite?"

    "But Judaism isn't bad, is it? I mean, it not like it's Christianity or something."
    "We've been leaning anti-Semite for quite some time, now, as you are aware. That's why we like the UN so much.
    Look, Reid knows the only religions that the Democratic party promotes are:
    environmentalism, atheism (need massive faith for that one), vegetarianism, miscellaneous pagan religions, Satanism (or Clintonism if you will), animal rights,
    and of course, Islam (but only after 9-11, we didn't like it before then). Oh, yeah! And the metric system.
    We just don't know what the hell he was thinking. He could be in deep trouble with the Leftoverlords."
    "(Heh, Leftoverlords... Is it ok if I use that?) Ahem.

    Could a reprimand mean sanctions up to, and including, actually killing him?"

    "Well, it is possible. But of course, that's up to the Clintons."

    "Of course it is. As I have always suspected. Thank you for your time, Senator Kennedy. OOOOOPS! My bad!"

    "Hey, you said this would be anonymous!"

    "My readers and viewers aren't idiots, blimp-boy (or should I say Aquaman?). They knew it was you the whole time. Put your aluminum hat back on and go gorge yourself on pork at the trough of taxpayers' expense. (Dumbass.)

    This is the Conservative UAW Guy reporting live, for CUG Headline News."



    Copyright 2005-2006 CUG Headline News (Don't make me smack you for stealing intellectual property!)

    Monday, May 09, 2005

    Is this Osama's Truck?
    Too Cool! (Click on pic for better view.)
    Man! Where do you buy these?
    They are actually helium balloons!
    MUST...GET...BALLOONS...Posted by Hello

    Sunday, May 08, 2005

    Happy VE Day!!

    Thank you veterans!

    Thanks to ALL the countries that helped save the whole world!

    WOO-HOO!!! You guys ROCK!


    I don't usually put personal stuff on here, because this is more of a humor/political/rant blog, but once in a while...

    My daughter and wife have are graduating with honors from high school and college, respectfully.

    Now they are known throughout the world, via the blogosphere ( or blogododecahedron, if you will).

    I just want them and my 7 readers to know how proud I am of them, how very much they mean to me, and how much I love them.

    Great job, guys! Keep knocking 'em dead!

    Love you. Happy Mother's Day, too, sweety!

    Your one and only CUG.

    Wednesday, May 04, 2005

    Fair and Balanced: Things I Dislike About George Bush

    The Conservative UAW Guy,
    in an attempt to show that this site, and its numerous affiliates, subsidiaries, shell corporations, and off-shore money-laundering mills are fair and balanced (FAB!),
    proudly presents (drum roll........)

    Top things I don't like about President Bush, just to prove I’m FAB and non-partisan!

    Here we go!

    Hasn't bitch-slapped Nancy Pelosi……..yet.

    Said he would sign a renewal of the evil, unconstitutional, so-called "assault weapons" ban. Boo...hissss...
    (Ultimately didn't happen; SUNSET!! HOORAY!)

    Not enough tax cuts! You make more tax cuts!
    Cut my taxes now...more...MORE!!

    Didn't outlaw abortion by executive order his first day in office.
    Stoopid Supreme Court!

    Just a tad (with apologies to suncabbage) too liberal for me.
    Come on, George Frankin. Who are you, Rosie O'Bush? GW Baldwin?
    (Wow, I guess I really am the CONSERVATIVE UAW Guy!).

    Just not hawkish enough.

    Has yet to turn America into a total theocracy like the dirty-hippies and asshat moonbats on DU say it already is.
    (Dear Jesus, Please help George Bush...)

    Does not talk EXCLUSIVELY to CUG Headline News, Fox News and Rush Limbaugh.
    Stoopid MSM.

    Prescription Drug Bill (AAAAAHHHHHGGGGG!).
    Holy-smokes George, couldn't you have at least made it needs-based?
    You're killin' me!
    Bill Gates is going to get free prescription drugs?!?!? This is smaller government how??
    (PS – On that one, Congress can bite me, too.)

    Is still nice to Canada, even though FWD picks on me :).

    Hasn't bitch-slapped Nancy Pelosi……..yet.
    (Sorry, I just really want to see that one.)

    Has not made the CUG ambassador to the UN.
    (Screw you Bolton, the US needs a hard-ass like me!!!!! Bolton, you're a total pansy!)

    Has not nuked France.......yet.

    Hasn't used one nuke, period.

    Hasn't outlawed welfare for the able-bodied. Go find a freaking job, you filthy hippy! Pay some taxes before you bitch about the government, you slackers.

    NOT ONE VETO! Use that pen, George, you know you want to. I know I want you to.

    Hasn't invaded enough evil countries (careful Canada, you're on the edge!!).

    Has not appointed Rush Limbaugh, Walter Williams, Sean Hannity, Ann Coulter, Thomas Sowell, or Mike Adams to ANYTHING!
    I don’t know about you guys, but I see a six-pack of Supremes here...
    Chief Justice Ann Coulter! Ahhhhh...
    (Dear Jesus, You know I don’t ask for much, but…).


    Still has not implemented the CUG inspired "American International Anti-Happy Dancing System".

    Hasn't bitch-slapped Nancy Pelosi……..yet.
    (Ooops. Did I say that one already? My bad.).

    Has not invited the CUG and his family over for supper (sniff, choke...).

    No Colt M16 or AR15 cool rifle included with every tax refund, and on top of that...

    No Colt 1911 cool pistol included with every tax refund.
    (How about at least a hi-cap mag?! Some ballistic tipped ammo, tracers, armor piercing rounds, maybe nunchucks? C'mon, give me something nifty! DANG! Hook me up!)

    Hasn't bitch-slapped Nancy Pelosi……..yet. Come ON, George!!!
    Right in a press conference! NOW! Smack her!! (Sissy…).
    (Maybe he’s afraid he’ll cut his hand on her bony face.)

    Hasn’t enacted a national Vermont-style concealed-carry law. Woo-Hoo!! Make it our whole continent plus Hawaii!! Let Canuks carry, too!!!

    Hasn’t put a check-boxes on federal income-tax forms to donate extra money for Adopt-a-Sniper and/or more cruise-missiles.

    Hasn’t outlawed hate-filled, whiny lefties, dirty-hippies and Democratic crybabies……..yet.

    And finally -

    Ted Rall and Michael Moore are still alive!!!!
    What the heck? I thought all Presidents got at least 3 free assassinations a year. Use those choices wisely. Let’s get a move-on GW! Consider it a public service. I’ll make a donation for ammo for that AND for more cruise missiles.


    Once again, the CUG provides incontrovertible proof that he, his empire, and his minions are all part of a fair, balanced, non-partisan, eloquent and politically moderate patriot movement.

    Word to your mother.
    (Oh, yeah. HI MOM!! - HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY! :) )


    And you all said I was crazy....

    Many people hear me rant about the evils of communism, liberalism, the metric system and occasionally, squirrels.

    Well, who's laughing now? Huh? Huh?

    Oh, yeah...you, I hope.

    This site is proof positive that I have been correct all along...

    Squirrels and Communism: The Untold Story

    Check out this quotation from the above link!

    It is also well-documented historical fact that Mao Zedung, a Chinese communist dictator, was especially fond of squirrels. In his “Little Red Book” of communist slogans and quotations, one can find ample evidence of collusion with squirrels.

    I'll bet it was RED-tailed squirrels, too! Dirty Reds.
    Maybe I should go make that nifty hat made out of foil now...

    (Proof positive that I am not the only one with WAY too much spare time.)

    Tuesday, May 03, 2005

    For my Canadian, European and Liberal Friends!

    It has recently come to my attention that I may have annoyed some Canadians and/or Europeans with some of my posts (silly foreigners!:))

    In the interests of fairness, I have decided to print the top things that suck about America for conservatives and as well as for evil American liberals and blameless, superior friendly foreigners.
    Like to hear it, here we go!

    For real conservative Americans, American things that suck:

    David Hasselhoff.

    Way too high taxes!

    New Kids On the Block (sorry world!).

    Not enough guns in private hands. (Arm-the-poor programs, maybe?)

    Too many gun laws and restrictions!

    Not enough concealed carry states (NEED ALL!!)

    Not enough patriots.

    Michael Moore and Ted Rall.

    Not enough capitalism!

    Way too much welfare money for lazy f#@#'s, not enough money for cruise-missiles.

    Weak American beer.

    Not enough Jesus.

    Legalized abortion.

    For For'ners and whiny liberal traitorous college professors, American things that suck:

    Not enough David Hasselhoff.

    Taxes too low, people still whine.

    New Kids On the Block (Woo-Hoo, we have consensus!)

    Too many guns in private hands.

    Not enough gun laws and restrictions!

    Too many concealed carry states (NEED ZERO!!)

    Too many mindless, Rove-notized, stupid, mean, Republican patriots (also known as CUG-bots).

    Michael Moore and Ted Rall aren't supreme American dictators.

    Too much capitalism (AAACCKKK!).

    Not enough money for downtrodden oppressed people that are kept down by capitalism, freedom, and evil Republicans. Way too much money for cruise-missiles (stoopid cruise-missles!).

    Weak American beer (Hooray!! More consensus!).

    Too much Jesus. Dang evil Christians. AAAGGGG! Theocracy!!!

    Two abortion restrictions is 3 too many. The US should lead the way for tax-payer funded, solar-powered abortions for up to the 300th trimester, and use the profits to save some ulgy endangered bug.


    I hope this has cleared the air somewhat. This should prove once and for all that the CUG is fair and balanced! It's a big tent here folks, and you are all welcome here! :)

    Monday, May 02, 2005


    Do NOT press the red button!!!!!

    Don't worry, there is an end to it!

    Thanks to sarahk at imao.us!

    Placating the Left.


    In a recent article, Floridians Against Guns (FAG) spokesperson, Ima Sissy, bemoaned the passage of the Castle Doctrine law. See that article HERE.

    Now, it looks like more bad news for resident FAG's.
    In a surprise move, Governor Jeb Bush is expected to sign into law the so-called CUG bill.

    Governor Jeb Bush was interviewed by CUG Headline News:

    So Jeb, the CUG bill; sup wi dat?
    Upon getting some outstanding guidance from the Conservative UAW Guy, we have decided to enact certain measures, which are being implemented in the CUG bill.
    Wow, the Conservative UAW Guy. I heard he is awesome. And good looking, too.
    And I'm not just saying that.

    For the record Jeb, we want our viewers to know that C-U-G Headline News is owned and operated by the Conservative UAW Guy.
    This disclaimer proves we are fair and balanced, unlike the hate-filled, syphilitic, ignorant, baby-duck grinding, kitten-smothering, vast-left-wing-conspiracy-main-stream-media (MSM) jerk-faces.

    CUG reports, you decide.

    Now Jeb, here is a completely unbiased and non-leading question:

    How come most Democrats are FAG's, and why are most FAG's Democrats?
    Well CUG, that's a darn-tootin' good question. You know, in Texas, my brother outlawed FAG's, as well as TARD's (Texan's Against Real Democracy).
    Seems the TARD's wanted all the rules made by the judicial branch, instead of by the people. Apparently, the TARD's know this is the only way they can get their twisted version of the universe into a legal reality. Apparently, they are unaware that real democracy kicks ass! Judicial oppression does not.
    My brother thinks the judicial branch should be the weakest branch, as was originally intended by the founding fath... CUG... CUG...??!!

    CUG (whispering into cell phone):
    Hello, REMAX? I'd like to buy a house in Texas, please! Yeah, right next to the GM truck plant...

    OH! MY! I'm sorry, Jeb. You were saying?
    I was answering your question. The reason most FAG's are Dems is because Dems believe that it is the government's job to protect you, and not your own responsibility. Just like they think nothing is your own responsibility. They think this, even though courts have repeatedly ruled the government is not required to protect you from anything.
    Additionally, the reason most Dems are FAG's is because, well, they're just FAG's.

    Succinctly put Jeb. Now, Ima Sissy, from Floridians Against Guns (FAG) says that you are bought and paid for by the NRA. What say you?

    That just proves that Ima is a total FAG. What kind of rhetoric do you expect from whining, liberal, sissy scum-bag like that? They would rather see a 22 year old mom get raped and murdered in front of her children, than see a scum bag eat hot lead. How do they defend that crap?! Everyone knows hot lead deters crime!
    Hot Lead = Low Crime. (Dumbasses.)
    Plus, the NRA rules! Real patriots! Woo-Hoo!!

    Woo-Hoo, indeed. Good point, Jeb. You rock! By the way, are you going to run in 2008?
    We're not discussing that, remember?
    Oh, yeah. Sorry, Jeb. I'm kind of drunk right now.
    I thought you were a Christian.

    Yeah, a Catholish one! We still drink, ya know.
    Oh, cool.

    So, Jeb. Describe this so-called CUG bill.

    Uh...you wrote it, shouldn't you know what it is?

    This is for the viewers of CUG Headline News. Plus, remember...drinky?

    Oh, yeah. We are enacting these new measures to try to get the left to quit bitching. Hopefully, saving some criminals' lives at the expense of a few left-wingers will placate these whining sissies. The gist of the bill is this:

    1. FAG's, commies and smelly-hippies will wear either tags, tie-dyes, or baseball caps that say - I'M A FAG!

    2. Murderous thugs will come out and rob, rape, and murder un-armed, anti-self-defense FAG's. This will save countless violent criminals lives, just like the liberals want.

    3. This will let normal, law-abiding citizens live in peace, while packing. Meanwhile, the hate-filled lefties fulfill their self-proclaimed destiny saving the world (bless their little black atheistic hearts!). Only this time, they make the sacrifice themselves, instead of forcing their ideas on others, whilst smirking.

    4. Likewise, this course of action will make the thugs play their hands. After a while, real Americans will act as decoys wearing "I'm Unarmed and Proud" hats. These Americans will step in and blow away these criminal chumps, after their guard is down from persecuting un-armed idiots.

    Sure, we'll lose a few commies and dirty-hippies in the process, but it's not like there is a shortage of those asshats in this country. This is known as a win-win in Republican politics.

    True...true. But won't the libs think this is unfair to the liberals themselves?

    Well, CUG, you just can't make these people happy. Dead criminals, dead liberals, dead terrorists, whatever. They'll still whine about something. This just seems like the best compromise.

    Yeah, stupid whiners.
    So Jeb, do you often get policy ideas from this Conservative UAW Guy? Where did you find this brilliant strategist and insightful pundit?

    Oh yeah, my bro George turned me on to the CUG as a source of deep and meaningful advice a long time ago. He also advises Karl Rove, Rush Limbaugh, and Ann Coulter. (Eds note: in a purely platonic way, regarding Ann, of course.)
    He's funny as hell, too.
    By the way, CUG, don't you find it difficult to concoct federal, state and foreign policy items while running a news station and doing your own interviews, as well as maintaining your incredibly intelligent and humorous blog?

    Well, I do get of work at 3:18, so I guess I have time. Thank you for your time Governor.

    There you have it folks, another CUG Headline News Exclusive.
    You may now lock-and-load.

    Copyright CUG Headline News 2005

    Sunday, May 01, 2005

    Yowza, This Is A Test

    Another good thing from Canada! Not just beer and Red Green!
    Just shy of 400HP. It's union made!
    FAST! LOUD! Sweeeeet! God, I love capitalism and consumerism!!!
    Plus, this is a test, never posted a picture before!
    Click on picture to see larger image!!Posted by Hello