Wednesday, January 25, 2006

(Uh) Oh, Canada

Holy crap!
The conservatives won (a little) in the true-crime inspired Canadian Electorama!!

For the times they are a-chaaangin'...

Seeing that the apocalypse has now officially begun, jimmyb, your lovely and quick-witted host, has a list of pertinent things that Canadians need to know before the conservatives destroy their country and turn it into a theocratic 3rd-world s**t-hole like the Taliban did in Afghanistan.

So here is the official CUG Top 10 List of tips, tricks, and observations regarding the coming evil conservative Aryan theocracy:

10. Women: Quick!!! Get an abortion. Better yet, get two. Today! Last chance!
This government doesn't just want control of your uterus; they want control of your pancreas and your third lumbar vertebrae, too!!!!

Burkas for all!!! Muhahahaha!!!

An aside: One man suggested the government having control over boobies, too.
He was publicly hanged as a degenerate, as it was also rumored he had extramarital sex once, and IT WASN'T EVEN IN THE MISSIONARY POSTIION!!
Freakin' heretics.

9. Also, if you're a woman go vote for something today; it will be your last time.
Suffrage smuffrage.
I'll bet you're sorry you didn't vote now!
(Is it a coincidence that suffrage has the word rage in it?)

8. Buy a bullet-proof vest. And not one of those crappy ones the US military has, get the official gay Sean Penn vest. It deflects bullets, reason, and good movie roles.

The reason for this is that the NRA will now be handing out assault weapons, rocket launchers and Sidewinder missiles to any kid big enough to say Chuck (Heston), homeless people (there aren't any in Canada, but there will be soon!), junkies, and anybody who contributes to the NRA!!!

Of course, children under 4 will only get .38 revolvers and hand-grenades, as the NRA supports common sense gun control. You gotta draw the line somewhere!

7. If you're poor, kill yourself; beat the conservatives to it!

6. Bypass the now doomed entitlement system and give you money directly to heroin addicts, bums, welfare queens, and drunks. They'll spend it as wisely as the government does, probably moreso.
(Is it still charity if it's not forced by threats of violence? Heh. Tax collections...)

5. Slavery. It's back.
In the spirit of diversity, Canada won't just be enslaving African-Canadians; they will be enslaving women, Muslims, homosexuals, and gnomes, as well.

Of course, the small percentage of Muslims that work in terrorist cells will be exempt from this by an executive order from the previous prime minister, with help from the ACLU (yes, they cross borders), allowing terror-cells to function with impunity.

Also, the small percentage of gnomes that are underpants-gnomes will be exempt, due to their vital role in the economy (Step 3 - Profits!).

Homosexuals will be herded into forced-interior-decorating camps, and high-fashion prisons, to make smart and nifty burkas.

Women will be barefoot and pregnant, and will also have to make me a sammich, whenever I want.

4. If you're a heroin addict or a drunk, STOCK UP! The gravy-train is pulling out of the station and it's going to run over your a** and squish you!

3. People who are not Christians will not be persecuted, unless they are Satanists or Frisbeeterians, who believe that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof, and you can’t get it back down.
These people will be forcibly converted to Christianity.
(Didn't Jesus say something about thumbscrews being ok? I'm pretty sure he did. Oh, well. Whatever.)
This does not take the option of persecuting non-Christians in the future off of the table...

2. Cuba will be embargoed. Anyone flying to Cuba from Canada has to stay there, forever. Tell Elian I said hi and I'm really sorry...

1. George Bush will make all decisions for Canada now, instead of only half of them.
Woo-hoo!! Missile Defense Shield!!!

Of course, the old CUGster here will be available for consulting on these and all other aspects of Canadian government (or America Lite, as we like to call it here).

There you have it folks.
Your operational manual for the new Canadian Renaissance.

Can you believe you get this level of profundity for free?
Only at the CUG site.

Copyright CUG/Haliburton/McChimpy Industries 2006-into the forseeable future...

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